Rock Bottom?

I hope the point that I have reached right now is rock bottom.  I am emotionally, and physically,  a big miserable mess.

I have not been able to shake out of my funk since returning from my Disneyland trip.  At first I thought it was just the aftermath of looking so forward to something and having it be over.  I keep waiting for it to pass, to move on to the next something to dream about.  My mind (and body) just won't snap out of it.

My thyroid is fine.  My blood sugar is fine.  I have no medical reason for my miserable state.  It could be depression.  I have been there, done that.

What is happening with me?  Sorry for the disjointed nature of this post.  My mind is not functioning as I would like.

I saw an orthopedic surgeon this week.  There is definitely something wrong with my hip.  It could be my joint or it could be muscular.  I will need to have medication injected in my hip joint.  If that helps then it is a joint problem and if that doesn't help I am going to do some formal physical therapy.  I wish I would have looked into this sooner.  The pain is constant.

I feel like I am gaining weight like crazy.  Okay, for me any weight gain is in the crazy category.  I don't handle it well emotionally.  I once told my husband that if I ever weighed 200 lbs (while not pregnant) I would likely be suicidal.  There is only truth to that statement.  I hate being fat.  It is embarrassing and mentally (and physically) debilitating to me.  This is my struggle of choice apparently.  There is something that is keeping me from making hard choices and actually doing something about it.  I want to blame everything out of my control (thyroid, blood sugar, hormones) and keep forgetting that I am not doing well with the things that are in my control.

Part of me thinks it is time to switch my focus from training to weight loss.  Up to this point, I have wanted the weight to come off as a result of my training.  Clearly, that logic isn't working.  Losing the weight, I believe, could be as beneficial to my training as all the hours working out.  I don't intend to stop training but I am thinking it is time to go into my training as working toward my weight loss goal.  In short, I will not eat all my burned calories.  I will not justify poor food choices because I "paid" for them in my training.  I want to be one of those athletes who thinks about food as only fuel so I work to maintain the "right" level and not over or under fuel.  This is going to be hard.  My body craves food and it rarely craves healthy food.

Now, I am not sure that the weight is causing my current bout of depression but it isn't helping.  Feeling out of control and useless isn't helping either.  I need new goals and new challenges.

I signed up for the San Diego International Triathlon, Sprint Distance.  The race is in June and it will be my first venture into open water.  My A race for the year is the Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival Olympic distance and that will happen in September. I have these things but they are not all consuming at this point.  Laying on the couch has become my activity of choice.

Tinker Bell Half Marathon Race (and Trip) Report

I am a Disney fanatic.  I love the place.  As long as I have been running, I have dreamed of running through Disneyland.  There has been a Disneyland Labor Day half marathon for many years but crowded time of year never appealed to me enough to save up and commit.  I was beyond excited last April (2011) when they announced a new half marathon; the Tinker Bell Half Marathon would be a women's centered race run at the end of the January 2012.  I knew I had to do it.  I told my husband that it was something that I just really had to do and he said that no matter what we would make it happen.  I was registered by mid summer.

There was so much time between registering and getting to the race that I could probably write a novel.  A brief recap would include lots of increased running time with plenty of loops around Saguaro East, a good friend planning to race but then having her plans derailed by injury and ultimately emergency surgery, and the chaos that ensued in finding a new running buddy and changing hotel and flight details.

My training for this race went really well.  I completed all of my long runs and worked in some track work for speed.  I was sidelined briefly towards the end of training with a sore knee.  All in all I felt good. I was ready to have a rewarding and fun race.

The week leading up to the race began a downward spiral.  I suffer from anxiety and I was not dealing well with the idea of leaving my kids for longer than I ever had before.  On top of that my prerace jitters and doubts started really early and I managed to make myself physically ill in the days leading up to the trip.  I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep.  I managed to lose 3lbs.

Once my bags were packed and I tucked the kids in and said my goodbyes I started to feel better and enjoy the excitement of going to Disneyland.  I slept a few hours before my flight on Saturday morning and I got through the flights with no problems.  The Anaheim Hilton was awesome and only a short walk to the starting line.  I stayed in my hotel room because I was exhausted from the lack of food and sleep leading up to the trip and I waited for Jamie to get to the hotel.  Once she got there we were off to the Expo.  It wasn't as large as I had expected and I was anxious to get into the parks.  At the Expo I purchased a 2-day Park Hopper and I was determined to get my monies worth out of it.  Once we had our fill of the expo we headed over to California Adventure.  I wanted to have Jamie see Soarin' Over Californian since she'd never been to Disneyland.  Anyway, we waited in line for the ride and realized that sitting down in the ride was far too comfortable.  We were exhausted and hungry.  Off to Tortilla Joe's for some Mexican food and margaritas.    This is the point were I should mention I was also dehydrated.  It was a perfect storm a brewin'.  We got back to the hotel after dinner and organized our race stuff and settled in for some sleep.  I thought I was rather Type A in my need for organization and control and then I met Jamie.

My little pre-race pile on the floor.

Jamie's "clothes" area

Jamie's "food and essentials" area

I had taken some ibuprofen because sometimes it helps to calm me enough to sleep.  As we were settling down my nose started to get stuffy and my eyes were watering.  I decided to take some benadryl.  On one hand this would guarantee sleep since it knocks me out, on the other hand I was already dehydrated.

I slept and happily woke to the 3 am alarm.  Up and at em.  The morning routine was uneventful. I had decided to eat oatmeal and fruit because the hotel did not have a fridge or microwave for my usual pre-race toast and sausage.  Oh well.  We were out the door by 4:20 am with our wings and all.

Seriously, it is like 4 am.

I was happy to see so many women with wings and other assorted costumes.  It made for a very fun atmosphere.  I was also happy to see so many port-o-potties.  We made it to Corral B and waited in the crowds.

Hanging out in Corral B at 5 am.

It was a pretty special moment for me when the National Anthem played interspersed with fireworks (love Disney) and then the Tinker Bell graphic sent Corral A on their way.  It was right before we set off that my stomach started to rumble from hunger.  Days of poor eating and a screwed up pre-race meal were taking their toll.  I had plenty of GU and I just had to hope that adrenaline would carry me.

And we were off.  It was fantastic and exhilarating.  My legs felt amazing.  There were rolling hills for the first 2 miles and I was taking them without any problems and I loved dodging and passing people.  Once we entered the park I was delirious with excitement. It really was a dream come true.  I could not stop smiling.  We ran up Main Street and through the castle.

The best picture I could get without stopping.

I had already taken in one of my four GU gels.  As we wound our way out of Disneyland and through Downtown Disney I started to fade.  The adrenaline was being replaced with lightheadness and subtle chest pains.  I need to slow my pace.  Jamie was running strong and looked great.  I told her to go and have a good race.  I kept an eye on her for a bit and then she was gone.  She went on to have an awesome PR. I am so happy for her.

By mile 4 I was hurting.  I didn't want to walk but it was either walk or stop, there was no other options.  I just did not feel well.  I had water and electrolytes on my belt and I started drinking.  My walk breaks were short and, luckily, my run pace was decent when I was running.  I decided to drink whatever I was carrying and just try to get to each water station to get water and walk.  Between miles 5-6 I was actively looking for a medical aid station and I was somewhat deliriously thinking they could just hook me up to an IV and heal me so I could keep going.  Side note:  I hate IV's, I pass out every time I have to get one placed.  I was out of my mind in wishing for this.  I guess I was lucky there were no aid stations for a few miles.  I kept up my running and walking water stations and did start to feel a bit better but I was really off for the rest of the race.

I gave it whatever I could and finished in 2:30:17.  It is a number I should be totally happy with.  My pace was better than any of my long runs.  The most disappointing thing for me is that I didn't enjoy the race as much as I could have.  I was too fixated on the numbers and the sick feeling that I didn't just stop and enjoy the atmosphere.  The finish line and after race festivities are a total blur.  I am bummed that we actually wandered away and missed the medal engraving area and the massages.  I could have seriously gone for a massage.

All finished and about to wander aimlessly through the Grand Californian.

Even with the crappy run I am happy to say that I did this race.  It was an adventure and a definite learning experience.  I realized that I need to keep my own fear in check and realize that I imagine everything so much worse than it is.  I also need to figure out my pre-race nutrition and plan better.  I need to be aware that my body needs appropriate fuel and care in the days leading up to a big event.  Lessons learned.

It is even prettier in person.

Race is done and let the fun begin.  Recall I woke up for the race at 3am and realize now that I only had from about 10 am to 12 am to get in two days worth of Disneyland.  Jamie was such a trooper to put up with me.  We waited in lines until our blood sugar was so low we were hurting then we would eat and feel motivation.  Lines were not our friends and it took some time for us to come up with a real plan of attack involving Fastpass and food breaks.  I finally got to be seated at the Blue Bayou.  The atmosphere in that place is amazing.  It was a treat to explain to Jamie that we were actually in the Pirates of the Caribbean  ride.  Next time I would like to try more than dessert but for a first time it was delicious.  I finally, after an 8 year hiatus, got to ride on Splash Mountain and it was awesome.  I got so drenched that I had to buy new clothes just to stay in the park.  

Notice the two-tone pants.  The top half are completely soaked.

We headed over to California Adventure for a margarita and dinner and we were fading fast.  We waited in one last line for Toy Story Mania and, while it was a fun little ride, the wait took its toll.  Jamie was completely exhausted and in obvious pain from a foot injury.  She had done about all she could and decided it was time to hobble back to the hotel.  On our way out of the park we walked right on to The Little Mermaid ride.  It is terrible.  Glad I didn't wait in line.

My first goal was just to get back into Disneyland to do some shopping but I felt a second (third) wind kicking in.  By now it is about 8:30 pm and I have been up for the day since 3 am and ran a 1/2 marathon.  I walked over to see if I could get on Star Tours but the line was still 45 minutes.  I wandered over to Big Thunder Mountain and was thrilled to walk right on to the ride.  I loved it!  The cool evening air and the thrill of the ride were perfect.  I just wanted to soak up the whole experience.  I headed over to Pirates to check the line because it had been long all day.  I waited less than 5 minutes.  The ride was okay.  I think I was just  too tired and it seemed to be moving really, really slow.  After Pirates I headed for the Tiki Room and bought a Dole Whip.  It was good but not as amazing as I thought it would be.  I ate it while I sat outside of Star Tours just willing the line to get shorter.  No luck and I was wilting fast by this point.  It did some shopping and then in one last act of Must See Disney desperation, I boarded the train.  Sitting down was wonderful but almost too relaxing.  I could feel my heavy eyes drooping and my body aching.  I rode the entire distance and got off back at Main Street.  I had nothing left to do so I wandered back to the hotel.  It was a little after 11pm.  It was a long, long day.  The walk alone back to the hotel was scary.  I broke into a jog at a few points because I didn't like being out there all alone.  I think it took me all of 5 minutes from the time I got to the room to fall into bed and sleep.  Glorious Sleep.

I can't wait to go back next year and conquer Tinker Bell.

All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.   -- Walt Disney