Finding Peace

In January 2012 I ran the Inaugural Tinker Bell Half Marathon at Disneyland.  It was a memorable race.  I love all things Disney and was so excited and anxious heading into the race.  The run was a total disaster.  I finished and my clock time was not terrible but the experience was memorable in how much it sucked.  As it turns out, it was the beginning of a really less than stellar year of racing.

This year I went back to Disneyland to take another shot at making the race one for the record books.  I had no time goal.  I hoped to be faster than last year but would have been okay with the same time.  I wanted, more than anything, to enjoy the experience.  The goal was to be present in the experience, to know that I tried my best while taking it all in.

I spent a lot of time in the past few months trying to figure out how to make my body work effectively for me.  I tried to lose weight without much success but more importantly I began to really focus in on my nutrition.  I needed to know how to get past mile 4 of this race without feeling the need for medical intervention.  My long training runs were excellent.  I had put together a formula for success.  The weekend before the half marathon, I managed to put together a 10k PR.  My legs were a little achy (especially my knee) but everything else was falling into place.

I was good to go.

I made this trip with two of my good friends.  They are fun to be around and know my quirks.  I was amazingly calm about the trip and very relaxed about the race.  We left town on Friday and made the long journey to Anaheim.  On Saturday we checked out a couple of rides before heading over to the Expo.  I love the energy at big race events.  We spent some money and gathered our race gear before heading back to the parks to take in as much Disney magic as we could handle before getting to bed early.  My anxiety induced insomnia did not get the memo about how Zen I was feeling about this event.  I slept maybe 4 hours on Friday night and would only sleep another 4 on Saturday night leading up to the race.  I woke up before my alarm and was on a roll by 3:15 a.m.  I ate my pre-long run smoothie (yep, I traveled with my Ninja blender) and got into my running costume.  I did the whole fairy wing costume last year and this time went with a super easy Minnie Mouse ensemble.  So happy I made this choice.

By 4:05 a.m. we were on our way to the starting corrals.

Pre-race. No nerves.  Lots of excitement.

It was a beautiful, warm early morning.  The National Anthem was sung with fireworks and all.  I admit that was the first moment that I got really choked up.  It didn't last long.  I was feeling so much better than I was a year ago at the starting line.  My tummy was full, my legs were warm, and my head was quiet.  I was bound and determined to soak up every last moment of this experience.

We took off together and the pace felt fine.  At about 3/4 of a mile my first friend peeled off as she had a race plan to stick to.  The mood was still very fun and I even found myself chit chatting with other runners.  Racing is so much nicer when you "know" the course.  There were some rolling hills as we traversed the freeway around Disneyland.  I set out to maintain a 11:30 pace but my legs were just too happy on the downhills and I couldn't hold back.  At about 1.25 miles in I looked back for my second friend and she told me to go and run my race.  I was off!

The course through the parks was different this year.  We entered California Adventure at about the 1.5 mile mark and stayed in the parks until about 5.5 miles.  These miles were amazing.  I found my groove, slowed down to take a few very shaky pictures and kept the momentum building in my pace.  I felt like I was flying and it was effortless.  The sights, sounds and support in the parks kept me occupied and happy.  I did have some moments of doubt when I thought I should pull up on my pace to conserve some energy but I just felt too good to slow down.

Running through Disneyland.

Time was just flying by.  As I ran out of Disneyland, out to Downtown Disney, and finally on to the neighborhood streets of Anaheim I could feel the adrenaline fading.  This is exactly how I fell apart last year. I was prepared this time.  I settled into my pace.  I was still moving faster than I had planned but wasn't feeling spent.  My plan was to refill my water bottle with my caffeine carb drink at mile 7 and I did that just as planned.  I was definitely hydrated and fuel.  At mile 5 I had taken on some gel and I did it again at mile 8.  Around mile 9, my tummy starting telling me stories about not wanting anymore gel.  My tummy would have also liked it if I had stopped running.  Thanks to some excellent training runs, I was prepared. I knew I could run through my tummy issues and it would be just fine.  I didn't take any more gel though.  At mile 11, I started to fall apart a bit.  I was taking more walk breaks but I wasn't slowing my pace much when I was running.  For the last mile or so we ran back into California Adventure. I was hurting and trying to keep myself motivated.  There was this amazing hill and I tried to find energy to power down the hill but knew I would walk the uphill (what goes down usually comes back up).  I barely started walking on the uphill when I heard my friend and running buddy.  She had finally caught up.  I was spent.  Hit the wall.  Ran out of gas.  I tried to run with her but I couldn't keep up. The dark thoughts from my terrible race last year started echoing in my head.  And then I took a deep breath and just let it go.  I told her I had to walk, go ahead, finish it, it was all hers.  She kept her steady pace and was soon out of sight.  I was so content with my decision.  I was going to love every last minute of this race.  No regrets, no heartache.

I walked farther than I had ever planned but then I felt the pull of the finish line.  My playlist was on my side with some really uplifting and powerful music.  I turned the corner to the finishing shoot and I felt amazing.

Best race photo I've even taken.  It's a keeper.

Then RunDisney pulled a fast one on all of us.  This wasn't the final turn to the finish line.  There was about 1/2 mile more running to do.  But I have to say, this was the most amazing 1/2 mile  I have ever completed. If there is a runner's high, I was on it.  I knew that I wouldn't be back for this race for years if I ever had the chance to do it again.  I knew that I would never share this experience with my friends again.  With about a 1/4 mile to go I heard my runner notification ping in my ear and I knew my friend had crossed the finish line.  I was so happy for her.  Then I came up to the finish line.  I saw Minnie Mouse cheering and I had to give her a high five.

I must get to Minnie Mouse.  She's over there.  Honest.

And then it was over.

Finish!

My finish time was better than last year.  I shaved about 4.5 minutes off my time.  The difference was all in the experience.  This was one of my favorite races.  I enjoyed it and I felt powerful and strong.

After the race we managed to get free 5 minute massages and then took the long walk back to the hotel.  A short time later, without enough rest, we headed out to conquer Disneyland.

This race could not have been a better experience.  I felt so at peace with my running.  It was so nice to clear out all the cobwebs from poor performances last year.  Thanks to some basic nutrition knowledge and patience with my body I think I am finally getting somewhere.  Now I just need to continue my focus.  The only problem is I have no races planned.  I have plenty of ideas but am feeling so peaceful with not racing that I don't know where to go from here.  I'll keep running.  I'll throw in some swimming and biking and see where the wind takes me.

"When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears." -- Tony Robbins

Three Week Experiment

Back on October 19, I set out on a Three Week Experiment.  Thanks to Swim Bike Mom I got my hands on an eating plan.  I have been on so many "eating plans"/diets, that I was really skeptical.  My body is stuck, nobody believes me when I say I can't lose weight.  Doctors look at me skeptically and say it is all about, "calories in and calories out."  I feel judgement and I hear them all saying, "stop eating, clearly you are eating too much, stop lying to yourself."

The Three Week Experiment was my way of putting this to the test.  It was a no lose situation (pun not intended).  Either I would finally get the hang of eating properly and lose weight, or I would have proof that even if I followed a completely designed meal plan I still wouldn't lose the weight.

I spent a weekend running around from store to store gathering all the specialty items (PB2) and new foods (kale) that I was going to be experiencing for the first week.  I was prepared and I was motivated.  On Monday I stepped up on the scale and got out my measuring tape.  I know, I know, sometimes the scale doesn't move but you get smaller.  Yada, yada.  I was going to gather as much data as possible.

The first few days were rough.  They were terrible, terrible ordeals.  I was so hung up on being perfect on the plan that I completely obsessed about food.  I was anxious about when to eat, that I was eating too much, that I was eating too often, that I wasn't eating often enough.  I was still motivated but frustrated as well.  Clearly, I had been eating too much all along.  After the first day I did a quick calculation of my total calorie intake and it was only 1200 calories.  Too low.  I was being too stingy with the food because I was so worried about going overboard.  I modified for the rest of the week and made sure that I was eating plenty of veggies and protein to stay full.  I have to tell you, the first two Friday's on the plan were unbelievably hard.  I think it was all in my head but I had  decided that I deserved to treat myself on Fridays. I was angry that I wasn't able to eat.  I was a bitter, mean person.  So, I ate.  The first Friday I splurged on thin crust veggie pizza with pineapple.  I was satisfied.

I did notice changes almost immediately.  My weight dropped as it always does when I go on a restricted eating plan.  Four pounds fell off in the first few days.  I was also feeling good.  My sleep was great.  My workouts were awesome.  I was fueling during my workout with carbs because I knew that I wasn't eating enough.  It was amazing to me that even with new foods I was able to easily complete my runs.  The plan got easier with each break through.

By the middle of week 3, the plan was routine.  I knew what I was going to eat and somehow managed to like Muscle Milk.  My body felt great and workouts were still going well.  I also noticed that my usual aches and pains had diminished.  The pain that has plagued my left hip and ankle have become very minimal to non-existent issues.  Maybe finally following a true anti-inflammatory diet has made the difference.  I started to look back at the types of foods I was eating and determined that I had pretty much eliminated wheat and dairy was minimal and only in the form of Greek yogurt and a stick or two of string cheese.  How did I manage to survive without my daily doses of cheese?

In being completely honest, my weekends were not perfect.  I ate out at least once a week.  I tried to keep my portions realistic and I think I succeeded.  I also managed to have a couple of margaritas during the weekend.  I love margaritas.

By the end of the three weeks I saw changes.  However the food was no longer challenging.  I didn't feel like I was eating that much less than I had been all along.  Yes, I have stopped my daily Starbucks trips and my sweets have been few and far between but it hasn't been a complete lifestyle make over.  I understand the plan.  I see the value of high quality protein and carbs at each meal.  I am grateful to have broken my sugar addiction.  I am fairly certain it was sugar withdrawal rather than calorie restriction that made those first few days hell.

So, the final data for the experiment looks pretty good.  I lost 6 lbs and 6.25 inches in three weeks.

You'd think that would have me jumping for joy.  I am very happy that I feel better but I am not impressed with the weight loss.

I am still stuck with the same struggle I've faced for the past 5 years.  I start an eating plan (diet, whatever) and I immediately lose water weight (4 lbs) then I might lose 2-3 more pounds and then it stops.  This is where I am right now.  I have continued with the eating plan and I am stuck.  I lose a pound and I gain a pound.  There is not a steady decline and it is infuriating.

I would just be happy at this point if the scale was going the right direction by 1/4 pounds, anything, really, anything would be better than being stagnant.

What now?  I keep chugging away at it, keep training for Tinkerbell in January, and keep trying to motivate others to do awesome things.

“You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, 

you get what you need”  ~The Rolling Stones

Two Years

I first decided I was going to really attempt a triathlon back in May of 2010.  My super supportive husband gave me a membership to Tucson Tri Girls for Mother's Day.  I attended my first meeting and was impressed, inspired, and welcomed.

I completed my first triathlon, the TriTucson Tinfoilman in October 2010.  Yesterday I was supposed to have completed my third Tinfoilmcn but had to drop out.  With my recent injury and general lack of training I just wasn't in a good place to compete.  I have too many goals to risk further injuring my bad toe.

I am not sad that I didn't race.  In the last week or so I've spent some time thinking about how far I've come in the past two years.  Honestly, it feels like much longer.  I sat down and looked through all my race photos and remembered the events, the drama, and the fun surrounding each.

This is going to be a photo-essay blog.  Enjoy!

Tinfoilman, October, 2010

With new friends at Tinfoilman 2010.  Pre-race jitters.

I survived my first ever competitive swim.  This is an important picture for  me.

And I'm finished.  So proud of myself and ready to tri again.

Tri for the Cure, March, 2011

Pre-race photos.  I felt so strong for this race.

Happy to be swimming.  Swimming is my new favorite sport.

Even happier that I bring my own photographer.

First race on my "real" road bike.  Still too afraid to clip in to my pedals after crashing.

Excellent ride and now off to the run.  Told Jamie I had no speed, he told me to find some.  Love him. 

Big sub-1 hour finish.  Goal achieved.  Third in Athena Division.  I run with the big girls.

Gladden Farms Spring Duathlon, April, 2011

There are no pictures from this event.  Thank goodness for no evidence.  Race report is here.

Tucson Triathlon, May, 2011

This race was excellent.  I felt strong and fit.  I dropped 15+ minutes off my last TriTucson race time.

Sharing this because it makes me laugh.  I have a sense of humor. 

New bike on the repeat course.  World of difference and I'm finally clipped in.

My run was improving dramatically.  Still hurts though.

The first time Emma saw a race.

Firecracker Triathlon (Relay), July, 2011

Racing is better with friends.

I raced the bike leg of this triathlon.  Good times.  Did 12 miles in record time.

Summer Aquathlon Series, Summer, 2011

I completed enough of these races to take park in the series championship.  It was a fun course that included a water slide.  

Smile hides the nerves.  I was terrified about the water slide.

Really, this is fun.  Don't I look like I'm having fun?  

Hummingbird Sprint Triathlon (Relay), August, 2011

I did the run leg for this relay.  My run was in such good shape at this point, I ran 3 miles sub-30 minutes.

I had to be fast though, we were chasing down billy goats. 

There is no Tri.  Good friends,and great times.  

Tinfoilman Triathlon, October, 2011

With all honesty, I can say this has been my best race to this point.  I trained consistently and very hard to get into shape.  I was motivated to reach a time goal and I was so prepared.  I dropped at total of 20 minutes off first tri.  This is what success looks like.

One of my favorite pictures because my friend and training buddy is sending me out.  She knew my goals and told me to run like hell.  I did.

Tinker Bell Half Marathon, January, 2012

This was  a super special race.  I love all things Disney and had always wanted to run at Disneyland.  I don't know why I decided this was going to be the time to race.  I just signed up and went for it.  A strange series of events unfolded.  I ran this race with a new, old friend.  My performance was less than memorable but the experience was priceless.

First time running in wings.

Tucson Triathlon, March, 2012

I started this season in a funk.  For whatever reason I just didn't feel like I had much ability to improve.  I was also struggling with my weight and health and energy.  I made the decision to race this year just to participate.  This race kicked off the tri season.

Just racing.

Emma became a Junior Tri Girl for this race.  Silly girl.

This race was fun.  No expectation.  My time was good and I  even looked like was running.

Emma's First Duathlon, April, 2012

Somewhere along the way my little girl decided she wanted to race like her mom.  This makes me so proud.

Making her first transition

The girl loves her bike.

San Diego International Triathlon, June, 2012

This race was kind of a big deal.  It was my first open water swim.  I was terrified of swimming in anything without lane lines.  But, I did it.  I plan to go back and do this race again.  It was such a positive experience for me and the venue is beautiful.

Might have been my best swim ever.  Good bye lane lines.

I'm still impressed my super friends were there to take this picture.

I like this picture.  I wish I weren't sticking my tongue out but I guess that's how I run.

The view on the run course.

Swim Start.

Awesome friends who made the trip to support me.  I am a lucky girl.

Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival, September, 2012

There is no reason to relive this drama.  I am going to add a couple of pictures though.  I might not have felt like I was at my best and maybe it would have been a fun race if I hadn't injured myself right away.  However, this weekend was a great experience for my family and for Emma.  She loved it all.

This is a nightmare picture.  Life sucks sometimes.

Another less than stellar look.  Note to self, "close your mouth."

Picture looks fine.  Just ignore the finish time.  Damn.

Super Girl Emma

Awesome.

I wish I had seen this live.  So proud of her.

And that brings me back to Tinfoilman 2012.  I signed up for this race months ago and had every intention of making it my last race of the year.  It just didn't happen and that's okay.  My foot is not completely healed and I haven't put in the effort over the past couple of months.  I didn't completely miss the race.  I was there to volunteer and support my friends.

I am so lucky that I have been able to do all these things over the past two years.  It feels like so much longer.  Sometimes I feel like I haven't accomplished much.  In looking back I realize that this isn't true.  It is all about perspective.

What's up next?  I've got a full race schedule planned for the upcoming year.   I plan to race and not just participate.  I will be in better shape both physically and mentally.

I plan to own the Olympic distance.  Catch me in San Diego...

                "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream" ~ Les Brown

And Then This Happened.

This past weekend I headed up to Show Low, AZ to take part in the Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival and complete my first Olympic distance triathlon.

And then this happened:

The day started out fairly uneventful.  I was able to get more sleep than I ever have before a big race.  Our cabin was amazing and comfortable and the whole family was content.  I didn’t even have to be in transition before sunrise since the race didn’t start until 8:04 am and there were not too many people in the race.  I got to the site, Fools Hollow Lake, at 6:45 am and found a friend and a nice end spot in the transition area.  I had a few minor emotional freak outs, two fairly unnecessary trips to the pot o potty and then put on my wet suit.  Everything was moving along just fine.  I had plenty of people to talk to and my mind was not fixated on the race.  I felt prepared enough to finish it.

We all wandered down to the water, listened to the National Anthem and got ready to move.  I looked down at my finger and realize that I am still wearing my wedding ring.  I always take it off before I swim just because I am so paranoid that it is going to slip off.  The women in front of me notices that I am spinning it on my finger, in deep thought, and says (I am not making this up), “Oh no” to which I respond “Do you think it will slip off?” and she says, “Your fingers are really going to shrink in this water, I wouldn’t leave it on, I always take mine off.” Shit.  So, the race director says, “30 seconds” and I am about ready to hyperventilate and I take my only chance and hurry over the race director and ask her to hold it.  She knowingly smiled and took it from me.  First dilemma solved.

The race starts and Oh My God.  I have heard about chaotic mass starts but I wasn’t prepared for it.  I was kicked, punched and grabbed and I did the same to at least a few people.  It was insane.  I probably pushed on for about 75 yards before I had to pull up.  My goggles were fogged up and I could not breathe. The elevation and lack of oxygen did me in.  I just couldn’t settle into any sort of rhythm and I felt like I was suffocating.  I looked around in panic and luckily found some friendly faces.  People were actually saying my name and asking if I was okay.  I was back floating, side stroking and breast stroking.  I just couldn’t put my face in the water.  Next lesson was waves.  I took in 2 faces full of water before I figured out what was happening.  I would look around but I was by myself and then I remembered, open water has waves.  Duh.  I kept plodding along watching the field pull farther and farther ahead.  I’m not going to lie, I wanted to quit.  Finally I just decided to try putting my face down and breathing every stroke.  I found a steady pace and finished the stupid swim.  I came up to the boat dock/exit point and stumbled up the ramp.  I stopped to get my ring back from the race director and my equilibrium was so shot I just had to sit.  Spectators were asking me if I was okay and I was okay.  I just needed a moment.  Somewhere in my delirium I managed to stub my toe.  I vaguely remember saying, “Ouch.”  I wandered up to the wet suit stripper and they had me freed in no time and I hobbled toward my transition area.  I needed to go to the bathroom.

I got my biking gear in order and took my bike toward the mount line.  There were port o potties right there so I handed off my bike to a volunteer who looked at me like I was nuts and waddled over to the toilets.  I did not want to spend the next 1.5 hours on the bike needing to “go”.  My bike is too pretty to pee on and I get stage fright.

Finally I was off on the bike.  I felt prepared for the bike.  The bike felt marvelous after the terrible swim.  Self-doubt had set in and I just felt like I was totally out of my league, undertrained and overextended.  Blah.  Back to the task at hand; the bike course was beautiful. I wish I could have enjoyed the scenery more.  There was this one really obnoxious hill at about 3.5 miles that I thought was going to cause my chest to explode but I very slowly powered through and saw that I wasn’t too far off the main group as it was an out and back route.  I passed a couple of people on the back roads portion of the course and was feeling strong and enjoying the views a bit.  Then around mile 8 or so I start to notice a nagging ache in my right big toe.  I felt like I hit it and I had to think back to where that could have happened.  Right, I remembered that something had happened coming out of the water.   Nothing major just a minor annoyance to this point.  I was still pedaling along and started to feel the sensation of something on my toe.  It actually felt like maybe it was bleeding so I kept checking the toe box on my shoe to see if there were any signs of blood.  Nothing.  There just the ache.  I got to the halfway point of the ride and took on the biggest hill of the course.  It was seriously a monster hill but I just kept going.  The only aid station on the bike course was right after the hill and I did as I had planned and stopped to down some peanut butter and water.  I felt a little bit energized when I left that point but it was short lived.  I was tired and just wanted to be done.  I knew there was something wrong with my toe but didn’t give it too much thought.

I came into transition and hopped off my bike.  Then there was pain.  I couldn’t take a step without a shooting pain.  So, the moment of truth was when I took off my cleats and my sock.  I fully expected to find a big bloody toenail but there was nothing.  I put on my running shoes and finished transition and took off running.  I ran past my husband who was waiting on the side of the course with a group of spectators.  I wanted so much to whine to him and tell him I was hurt but I just couldn’t be that person so I trudged ahead.  I only trudged about  ¾ of a mile before I started walking/hobbling.  I did not know what to do. I did not want to quit but it became very clear that I was not going to be able to run.  Every strike of my foot was painful.  I started trying to calculate how fast I could walk 6.2 miles.  On good day I could probably power walk it efficiently.  Today was not that day.  I was barely moving.  Every time I would attempt to jog, I would smack my toe and my stomach would turn.  It was miserable.    I shared my situation with anyone that would listen.  Other racers who saw me walking were very supportive and encouraged me on.  My friends on the course were kind and concerned.  I just wanted to quit.  I kept looking for anyone who looked official or had any mode of transportation to get me back to the finish line.  I just wanted it to be over.  There was no help/way out in sight.  Eventually I figured I could get back on my own two feet faster than I could call for help and get a ride.  I kept walking.  Now, I wasn’t just concerned about being the last racer on the course I was really stressing about the fact that Jamie was waiting up at the finish line expecting me to be back.  I should have just swallowed my pride and told him I was hurt to begin with.  While out on the run course I told one of my friends to find him and let him know that I was not moving very quickly.  I kicked myself for not taking my phone with me.  The rule for this race was no phones or electronic communication devices.  That is all fine and dandy if there is adequate race support.  I really wish I had any way to communicate that I was way long on my finish time.  Jamie was stuck there with two hungry kids not having a clue how long I was going to take.  I was more fixated on this situation that I was on my toe.  My toe just hurt but the anxiety was overwhelming.  I walked and I cried and I walked and then cried again.

There was no way I was going to walk through the finish line.

After a miserable 4 hours and 25 minutes I crossed the finish line.  I officially finished an Olympic distance triathlon but I stunk the whole thing up.  I am not crossing this goal off my list just yet.  I definitely have more work to do.

My toe isn’t broken.  I caused some major bruising and since I can’t feel my entire toe the urgent care doc determined that I also probably caused some nerve damage.  I am out for at least 2 weeks.  While I could always force myself to get out and swim, bike or run, I am grateful for the break.  I am not making progress right now.  I feel like I am working to be fitter, faster, and stronger but not achieving any of it.  I need to re-evaluate and figure out what I am missing.  I know I am not ready to increase my goal distance yet.   I really feel like maybe I need to start back at the beginning.  Getting fairly tired of writing race reports where everything goes wrong.

Up next is my final tri of the year, Tinfoilman on Oct. 14 and then all training will focus on Tinker Bell in January 2013.  It has to get better than this.

"Defeat doesn't finish a man, quit does. A man is not finished when he's defeated. He's finished when he quits."  -Richard M. Nixon