Keep Moving Forward

This past Saturday I went out for my first long ride in about 2 weeks.  Over the Cinco de Mayo run weekend I bought some new bike shoes and clips.  I discovered that I was missing a few screws on my old clips and had to upgrade. Anyway, I had these new shoes to try out and clips to give me some anxiety but I just could not find the time to get out on my bike.  Every time I could have gone out the wind was howling.  We seriously had, what seems like a full week, of dangerously high winds.

I was going to the gym and doing some indoor cycling but it just isn't the same.  Finally, around 7:30 on Saturday morning I was out the door and on the road.  I was hoping for 30 miles without crashing in my new shoes and clips.  My route was 14+ miles out and back.  The 14 out felt pretty darn good.  I had my moments of doubt right around the hill at Jeremy Wash when I was convinced I was going to fall over from moving so slowly up the hill but I managed to stay upright.

At the turn around I refueled a bit and headed back.  I should note here that the 14+ out is mostly downhill.  The challenge is generally the 14+ of slow gradual climbing to get home.  I was moving like I was riding through mud.  It didn't take me more than 2 miles to start hating life and putting myself down.  I was ticked that I hadn't ridden more seriously over the past few weeks.  I was angry that I seemed to have lost speed.  Why couldn't I just get it together?  Why I had let any training opportunities pass by?  Why was everyone passing me while I dragged my butt over the downhills?  (slight exaggeration)

And then I stopped.

No, I didn't stop riding.  I can force my brain to ignore my body so that physically stopping is just not an option.  I stopped mentally beating myself up.

I've been following this really awesome blog by Swim Bike Mom and one of her mottos is Keep Moving Forward.  It is catchy and makes sense in the realm of endurance stuff.  Keep moving, blah, blah, blah.  But on my Saturday ride I finally got it.  It made sense for me and my endurance/life situation.

What Keep Moving Forward suddenly meant for me.

Seriously, why do I spend so much time worrying about what did or didn't happen?  I am such a control freak and clearly I can't control the past.  I can't control what I did yesterday or 10 years ago.  I only have right now.  I can only try to make the best choice from this point forward.

How amazing it must feel to be able to let go of regret and realize that regret is just another excuse.  Truth be told, I can only impact what I doing at the present moment.  

I can learn from the past but I can't change it.  I can't redo that past few weeks of training and add more riding that might have made the ride home easier or faster or prettier. 

I can't take back any choices I made.  They must have seemed like reasonable choices at the time.  I am not a flake.  I know my limits and I need to realize that sometimes life is out of my control.  

Then I started thinking about how this realization applies to so much more than my training.  My weight obsession is more about regret and beating myself up than it is about the choices I am making at this point in my life.  Yes, I have years of bad habits behind me but I am making real healthy choices for myself right now.  I slip up on occasion but overall I am in a much healthier place.

I could go on and on.

I must have spent a good 4 miles putting this all together in my brain.  Once the moment of clarity hit and I stopped beating myself up and the rest of the ride was AWESOME.

I am so grateful for what I have right now.  I am going to be more forgiving.  I am going to stop dwelling on the past.  

I am going to Keep Moving Forward.

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on. 

- Forrest Gump