I Have This Crazy Dream

My dream is to open this company one day.  I want to, somehow, make a living out of doing what I love.  Right now I love training and physical activity and the lifestyle that it creates.  I wish I had the expertise to help other people find the motivation to get out there and face their fears and anxieties and self-imposed limitations.

I have a lot of work to do to make this happen.  I have a solid background in biology.  My B.S. is a double major in General Biology and Molecular & Cellular Biology.  I can figure out how the body works from the very micro standpoint.  I also know how to teach.  I am a certified high school biology teacher with a M.Ed. I can handle the teaching part and could quickly learn the biomechanical stuff involved.  My greatest weakness is lack of experience.

What would the company do?  I don't see it as a storefront business.  Maybe in the long run it could become that but it isn't what I envision.  I see myself (and a partner) offering personal training services, nutrition advice, and organizing group workouts to help people meet their individual goals.  These goals could be anything from running a 5k up to the sky is the limit.  This is where the lack of experience plagues me.  I have plenty of personal growth to do before I feel capable of guiding anyone else.

I think I would like to take a sports nutrition course to get some solid knowledge under my belt.  I can see myself working more on that end of the business in helping people to learn how to eat.  Okay, this is somewhat funny to type just because of my personal struggles.  Classic "do as I say, not as I do."  I also need to keep training and experiences endurance activities.  I am doing this.  I am scheduled to complete more sprint tris and my first olympic distance tri by beginning of Fall.  I am also hoping to do a couple of half marathons over the winter.  If I am able, I would also like to take a stab at El Tour de Tucson, although the distance it TBD.

I just want to find a way to make a living doing what I love.  I dread the idea of going back into the classroom full time.  I actually makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I am envious of people who are excited about working.

In other news,  I am sick again.  I can't catch a break.  This time it is a stomach bug.  The last 24 hours have been miserable.  Hopefully, I will be up and at'm again tomorrow.  I have big plans.

“Goals that are not written down are just wishes.” unknown

It's the Food, Stupid.

I am currently in the midst of an eating problem.  I can't seem to stop myself.  I came down with a respiratory virus a couple of weeks ago and my diet/eating habits have been downhill ever since.

My new training plan started out awesome and then on day three I couldn't even imagine working out.  My throat was killing me and the congestion and general yuckiness had set in.  That all happened on a Wednesday. On Saturday I attempted to spin for an hour and then run for 30 minutes.  The spin started out badly but endorphins soon took over and the run was great.  I paid the price on Sunday and I felt terrible.  Basically it took me another full week to get back to normal and I am still dealing with some congestion and lack of endurance.  It is always the unplanned stuff that derails our best efforts.  Feeling yucky meant that food became a comfort.  I ate too much.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to reign in my eating.  I am consistently eating way to too much and not picking fruits and veggies to fill me.  I made the mistake of buying tequila and margarita mix.  Apparently, margaritas are my new downfall.  I can't change the past.  I will just have to try to make better choices tomorrow.

I was so proud of myself for taking the focus off of training and onto eating healthier.  I was doing great.  Now, I seem to have fallen back to the trap of fueling my workouts and in turn overeating.  Problem noted:  time to move on.

Only two months until my San Diego trip. I am excited and not the least bit nervous at this point.  Luckily, the sprint distance isn't an overwhelming challenge.  We'll see how a feel about wading out into the ocean as the time approaches.  For now I am focusing on the fun of traveling for a weekend and getting to see and participate in a bigger race.

This is a short post but I am hoping it will help me to focus.  I need to remember food is for nutrition and adequate energy not to feed my boredom, or my training.

"If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results." Jack Dixon

Now This is Serious

I have been training for triathlons and road races for about 2 years now.  Up to this point I have just set out to get a couple swims, bikes and runs in every week.  Occasionally I make to a track workout and up until January I was involved in a weekly coached swim group.  I made progress quickly and dropped time from my first to second races.  This past winter I focused on running to get ready for the Tinkerbell Half Marathon.  For that training, I had a program that I followed.  I have followed training programs for running races before but I have yet to try one for triathlons.  My aversion was based on the notion it is challenging for me to stick to set schedules and, honestly, the programs I looked at seemed either too intense or way to too easy.

I knew that for my upcoming San Diego International Triathlon I wanted to train for the Olympic distance even though I am only signed up for the sprint.  My thought being that I can already handle the sprint distance and training longer will insure an easier race and I will be better prepared for my Olympic debut in September at Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival.  I found a 16 week program through Amateur Endurance and it is one of those that just seemed too easy.  I wise friend pointed out that shorter workouts would give me the chance to work on quality over quantity.  I thought it would be nice to have a set goal for each day so that I actually had plans and might feel more accomplished.

On Monday I started the plan.  It called for a 45 minute swim.  I used the Swim Workouts for Triathletes book and picked the Endurance Speed 1 workout.  It was a challenge.  It took me just over an hour and I still didn't finish.  My arms were sore and I felt like I had worked.  Yesterday I was supposed to spin for and hour and then do a 20 minute run.  I debated for too long between setting up my trainer and following the plan or just going to for 60 minute ride outside.  Finally decided to stay indoors and work on heart rate training.  Surprise, surprise, the work out was really hard and I could not get my heart rate to stay in the right zones.  I have serious work to do.  The run after was painful because I pushed so hard on the bike.  At the end of my 20 minute run while I was flying high on endorphins I came to some conclusions.  This training program might actually make a difference.  I have not been focused and pushing myself. I have just been going through the motions.

Today was supposed to be 60 minutes of core work and I had resolved to go to a Pilates class.  Unfortunately, I came down with a  painful sore throat last night and woke up in pain and all stuffed up.  I figure it is better to lose one day than to delay the problem.  Today I will rest.  I will rest and not feel bad about it.

“The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.” ― Thomas A. Edison

Rear View Mirror

This is a picture taken yesterday at a really fun training event.  This picture makes me sad.  I thought I had gotten myself to a better place.  I thought I was looking more physically fit.  It is times like this when the reality of a subjective mirror puts things into perspective.

I am just not happy that I look like that.  I think of how much better can I feel emotionally and physically if I could just get my act together.  If I could train more seriously and eat more sensibly.  It is my issue.

I haven't helped matters much this holiday weekend.  Between eating out and stuffing my face with family (at least two too many glasses of margarita) I have set my self up  to need to work even harder.

I need to change up my workouts and focus a more on strength training and flexibility.  Maybe that type of work and getting back on track with food will be a winning combination to drop a few more pounds.

The irony of this picture is that Jen, my friend in the picture, had just told me how great I looked.  Why don't I  see it??

“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” ― Eliza Tabor Stephenson

Springing Back!

My last post was so depressing.  I seriously think I had just experienced one of the worst few days of my emotional life.  Sure, nobody died but I felt terrible.  Between feeling like my body was out of control and I had a disastrous teaching episode I didn't know what to do.

Something clicked.

I registered for Weight Watchers eTools and started tracking (honestly) all my food and activity.  I lost 5 lbs in a week.  Then my weight loss leveled off but it did not go back up.  Also, I was feeling better, not as weighed down and out of control.  I had been experiencing these brief blackout episodes when I would get too hungry or tired and those have gone away.  I am willing to believe that most of my drama is still thyroid related but for right now I feel good.

In addition to the diet changes I also made some big decisions about my racing.  I had to step away from my own competitive, self-loathing nature and decide that I was not going to train quite as intensely as I had been trying to do.  Truth be told, I might have been trying but I was not achieving my training goals.  I was floundering after Tinkerbell and hating how my body was performing.  I decided that this year, as I focus on my weight goals, I was going to participate in as many races as I want but I wasn't going into them with my competitive head all messed up.

My first triathlon of the season was on March 25.  It was the Tucson Triathlon.  I was relaxed and very level-headed going into the event.  My swim times have been stagnant all winter, my run had improved thanks to Tinkerbell, but my bike was not great.  Whatever!!  I had a blast hanging out with friends on race morning, I only got nervous in the few minutes on the pool deck before hitting the water, and I loved every minute of the race.  Okay, I didn't love the swim.  I kind of felt like I was gasping and moving slow in the water.  My T1 was way too long because I was looking for a friend.  The first 2 laps of the bike were work but I knew that I would be hurting on the bike.  Then about a 1/4 of the way in to the third lap I had this emotional epiphany.  All my depression and self-doubt came to a tearful head.  I was so proud of myself.  I love the me I have become through training, becoming part of the triathlon/multisport community, and I've made some really special friends.  I have never been one to push myself beyond my comfort zone or challenge who I am.  I felt powerful and strong.  I cried out of joy.  And then I got this superhero burst of adrenaline and I blew through that last lap and posted my fastest (I think) bike split.  The run was fine.  For the first 1.5 miles I was just trying to get my legs moving but then they loosened up and I turned on my version of speed.  I finished the run just under 30 minutes.  Goals achieved.

Happiness on the Bike!

Look! Both feet are off the ground.  I was running!

In the midst of my depressive funk back in February I registered for the San Diego International Triathlon on June 24.  This was  total whim as I could barely afford the race fees, had no concept how to get there or where to stay, and oh, right, it requires swimming in the ocean.  I have lived in the desert my entire life and spent very little time around any amount of open water.  I am in awe and scared of the magnitude of the ocean and my lake trips leave me with visions of dirty water and fish.  I won a wet suit last summer so I had no excuse, beside of paralyzing fear of open water, not to jump into this event.  My husband was more supportive than I had anticipated seeing as how this race would cost money.

Biggest triathlon event so far.

Now, to conquer open water.  There are a group of Tucson Tri Girls going to San Diego and they also organized a training swim at Patagonia Lake this past weekend.  It was the most supportive atmosphere.  I actually got up at 5:30 am and managed to get down to the lake (1.25 hours drive) without much anxiety.  I was excited about trying out my wet suit.  Then I got out of the car.  My legs felt weak and I nearly cried.  I could not believe that I was about to willingly get into that cold dirty water teeming with fish and plants and brain eating parasites.  Luckily the drama of getting into the wet suit acted as a distraction.  I felt strong and mostly at ease once the suit was on.

This picture makes me happy.  I love my Black Pearl.

The water was painfully cold and my feet and hands hurt.  The wet suit made me feel light as a feather and cozy.  I didn't have any anxiety attacks or feel like I was suffocating.  The water was cloudy and brown and I could only see about to my fingertips as I swam.  But I swam and it was AWESOME.  I felt at ease and was in no hurry to get out of the water.  I am looking forward to the ocean.

At this point, I have lost 8.5 lbs.  I've been a vegetarian (forgot to mention that) for almost 40 days.  I feel good.  I am happy.

“The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.” ― C. JoyBell C.

Rock Bottom?

I hope the point that I have reached right now is rock bottom.  I am emotionally, and physically,  a big miserable mess.

I have not been able to shake out of my funk since returning from my Disneyland trip.  At first I thought it was just the aftermath of looking so forward to something and having it be over.  I keep waiting for it to pass, to move on to the next something to dream about.  My mind (and body) just won't snap out of it.

My thyroid is fine.  My blood sugar is fine.  I have no medical reason for my miserable state.  It could be depression.  I have been there, done that.

What is happening with me?  Sorry for the disjointed nature of this post.  My mind is not functioning as I would like.

I saw an orthopedic surgeon this week.  There is definitely something wrong with my hip.  It could be my joint or it could be muscular.  I will need to have medication injected in my hip joint.  If that helps then it is a joint problem and if that doesn't help I am going to do some formal physical therapy.  I wish I would have looked into this sooner.  The pain is constant.

I feel like I am gaining weight like crazy.  Okay, for me any weight gain is in the crazy category.  I don't handle it well emotionally.  I once told my husband that if I ever weighed 200 lbs (while not pregnant) I would likely be suicidal.  There is only truth to that statement.  I hate being fat.  It is embarrassing and mentally (and physically) debilitating to me.  This is my struggle of choice apparently.  There is something that is keeping me from making hard choices and actually doing something about it.  I want to blame everything out of my control (thyroid, blood sugar, hormones) and keep forgetting that I am not doing well with the things that are in my control.

Part of me thinks it is time to switch my focus from training to weight loss.  Up to this point, I have wanted the weight to come off as a result of my training.  Clearly, that logic isn't working.  Losing the weight, I believe, could be as beneficial to my training as all the hours working out.  I don't intend to stop training but I am thinking it is time to go into my training as working toward my weight loss goal.  In short, I will not eat all my burned calories.  I will not justify poor food choices because I "paid" for them in my training.  I want to be one of those athletes who thinks about food as only fuel so I work to maintain the "right" level and not over or under fuel.  This is going to be hard.  My body craves food and it rarely craves healthy food.

Now, I am not sure that the weight is causing my current bout of depression but it isn't helping.  Feeling out of control and useless isn't helping either.  I need new goals and new challenges.

I signed up for the San Diego International Triathlon, Sprint Distance.  The race is in June and it will be my first venture into open water.  My A race for the year is the Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival Olympic distance and that will happen in September. I have these things but they are not all consuming at this point.  Laying on the couch has become my activity of choice.

Tinker Bell Half Marathon Race (and Trip) Report

I am a Disney fanatic.  I love the place.  As long as I have been running, I have dreamed of running through Disneyland.  There has been a Disneyland Labor Day half marathon for many years but crowded time of year never appealed to me enough to save up and commit.  I was beyond excited last April (2011) when they announced a new half marathon; the Tinker Bell Half Marathon would be a women's centered race run at the end of the January 2012.  I knew I had to do it.  I told my husband that it was something that I just really had to do and he said that no matter what we would make it happen.  I was registered by mid summer.

There was so much time between registering and getting to the race that I could probably write a novel.  A brief recap would include lots of increased running time with plenty of loops around Saguaro East, a good friend planning to race but then having her plans derailed by injury and ultimately emergency surgery, and the chaos that ensued in finding a new running buddy and changing hotel and flight details.

My training for this race went really well.  I completed all of my long runs and worked in some track work for speed.  I was sidelined briefly towards the end of training with a sore knee.  All in all I felt good. I was ready to have a rewarding and fun race.

The week leading up to the race began a downward spiral.  I suffer from anxiety and I was not dealing well with the idea of leaving my kids for longer than I ever had before.  On top of that my prerace jitters and doubts started really early and I managed to make myself physically ill in the days leading up to the trip.  I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep.  I managed to lose 3lbs.

Once my bags were packed and I tucked the kids in and said my goodbyes I started to feel better and enjoy the excitement of going to Disneyland.  I slept a few hours before my flight on Saturday morning and I got through the flights with no problems.  The Anaheim Hilton was awesome and only a short walk to the starting line.  I stayed in my hotel room because I was exhausted from the lack of food and sleep leading up to the trip and I waited for Jamie to get to the hotel.  Once she got there we were off to the Expo.  It wasn't as large as I had expected and I was anxious to get into the parks.  At the Expo I purchased a 2-day Park Hopper and I was determined to get my monies worth out of it.  Once we had our fill of the expo we headed over to California Adventure.  I wanted to have Jamie see Soarin' Over Californian since she'd never been to Disneyland.  Anyway, we waited in line for the ride and realized that sitting down in the ride was far too comfortable.  We were exhausted and hungry.  Off to Tortilla Joe's for some Mexican food and margaritas.    This is the point were I should mention I was also dehydrated.  It was a perfect storm a brewin'.  We got back to the hotel after dinner and organized our race stuff and settled in for some sleep.  I thought I was rather Type A in my need for organization and control and then I met Jamie.

My little pre-race pile on the floor.

Jamie's "clothes" area

Jamie's "food and essentials" area

I had taken some ibuprofen because sometimes it helps to calm me enough to sleep.  As we were settling down my nose started to get stuffy and my eyes were watering.  I decided to take some benadryl.  On one hand this would guarantee sleep since it knocks me out, on the other hand I was already dehydrated.

I slept and happily woke to the 3 am alarm.  Up and at em.  The morning routine was uneventful. I had decided to eat oatmeal and fruit because the hotel did not have a fridge or microwave for my usual pre-race toast and sausage.  Oh well.  We were out the door by 4:20 am with our wings and all.

Seriously, it is like 4 am.

I was happy to see so many women with wings and other assorted costumes.  It made for a very fun atmosphere.  I was also happy to see so many port-o-potties.  We made it to Corral B and waited in the crowds.

Hanging out in Corral B at 5 am.

It was a pretty special moment for me when the National Anthem played interspersed with fireworks (love Disney) and then the Tinker Bell graphic sent Corral A on their way.  It was right before we set off that my stomach started to rumble from hunger.  Days of poor eating and a screwed up pre-race meal were taking their toll.  I had plenty of GU and I just had to hope that adrenaline would carry me.

And we were off.  It was fantastic and exhilarating.  My legs felt amazing.  There were rolling hills for the first 2 miles and I was taking them without any problems and I loved dodging and passing people.  Once we entered the park I was delirious with excitement. It really was a dream come true.  I could not stop smiling.  We ran up Main Street and through the castle.

The best picture I could get without stopping.

I had already taken in one of my four GU gels.  As we wound our way out of Disneyland and through Downtown Disney I started to fade.  The adrenaline was being replaced with lightheadness and subtle chest pains.  I need to slow my pace.  Jamie was running strong and looked great.  I told her to go and have a good race.  I kept an eye on her for a bit and then she was gone.  She went on to have an awesome PR. I am so happy for her.

By mile 4 I was hurting.  I didn't want to walk but it was either walk or stop, there was no other options.  I just did not feel well.  I had water and electrolytes on my belt and I started drinking.  My walk breaks were short and, luckily, my run pace was decent when I was running.  I decided to drink whatever I was carrying and just try to get to each water station to get water and walk.  Between miles 5-6 I was actively looking for a medical aid station and I was somewhat deliriously thinking they could just hook me up to an IV and heal me so I could keep going.  Side note:  I hate IV's, I pass out every time I have to get one placed.  I was out of my mind in wishing for this.  I guess I was lucky there were no aid stations for a few miles.  I kept up my running and walking water stations and did start to feel a bit better but I was really off for the rest of the race.

I gave it whatever I could and finished in 2:30:17.  It is a number I should be totally happy with.  My pace was better than any of my long runs.  The most disappointing thing for me is that I didn't enjoy the race as much as I could have.  I was too fixated on the numbers and the sick feeling that I didn't just stop and enjoy the atmosphere.  The finish line and after race festivities are a total blur.  I am bummed that we actually wandered away and missed the medal engraving area and the massages.  I could have seriously gone for a massage.

All finished and about to wander aimlessly through the Grand Californian.

Even with the crappy run I am happy to say that I did this race.  It was an adventure and a definite learning experience.  I realized that I need to keep my own fear in check and realize that I imagine everything so much worse than it is.  I also need to figure out my pre-race nutrition and plan better.  I need to be aware that my body needs appropriate fuel and care in the days leading up to a big event.  Lessons learned.

It is even prettier in person.

Race is done and let the fun begin.  Recall I woke up for the race at 3am and realize now that I only had from about 10 am to 12 am to get in two days worth of Disneyland.  Jamie was such a trooper to put up with me.  We waited in lines until our blood sugar was so low we were hurting then we would eat and feel motivation.  Lines were not our friends and it took some time for us to come up with a real plan of attack involving Fastpass and food breaks.  I finally got to be seated at the Blue Bayou.  The atmosphere in that place is amazing.  It was a treat to explain to Jamie that we were actually in the Pirates of the Caribbean  ride.  Next time I would like to try more than dessert but for a first time it was delicious.  I finally, after an 8 year hiatus, got to ride on Splash Mountain and it was awesome.  I got so drenched that I had to buy new clothes just to stay in the park.  

Notice the two-tone pants.  The top half are completely soaked.

We headed over to California Adventure for a margarita and dinner and we were fading fast.  We waited in one last line for Toy Story Mania and, while it was a fun little ride, the wait took its toll.  Jamie was completely exhausted and in obvious pain from a foot injury.  She had done about all she could and decided it was time to hobble back to the hotel.  On our way out of the park we walked right on to The Little Mermaid ride.  It is terrible.  Glad I didn't wait in line.

My first goal was just to get back into Disneyland to do some shopping but I felt a second (third) wind kicking in.  By now it is about 8:30 pm and I have been up for the day since 3 am and ran a 1/2 marathon.  I walked over to see if I could get on Star Tours but the line was still 45 minutes.  I wandered over to Big Thunder Mountain and was thrilled to walk right on to the ride.  I loved it!  The cool evening air and the thrill of the ride were perfect.  I just wanted to soak up the whole experience.  I headed over to Pirates to check the line because it had been long all day.  I waited less than 5 minutes.  The ride was okay.  I think I was just  too tired and it seemed to be moving really, really slow.  After Pirates I headed for the Tiki Room and bought a Dole Whip.  It was good but not as amazing as I thought it would be.  I ate it while I sat outside of Star Tours just willing the line to get shorter.  No luck and I was wilting fast by this point.  It did some shopping and then in one last act of Must See Disney desperation, I boarded the train.  Sitting down was wonderful but almost too relaxing.  I could feel my heavy eyes drooping and my body aching.  I rode the entire distance and got off back at Main Street.  I had nothing left to do so I wandered back to the hotel.  It was a little after 11pm.  It was a long, long day.  The walk alone back to the hotel was scary.  I broke into a jog at a few points because I didn't like being out there all alone.  I think it took me all of 5 minutes from the time I got to the room to fall into bed and sleep.  Glorious Sleep.

I can't wait to go back next year and conquer Tinker Bell.

All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.   -- Walt Disney