Three Week Experiment

Back on October 19, I set out on a Three Week Experiment.  Thanks to Swim Bike Mom I got my hands on an eating plan.  I have been on so many "eating plans"/diets, that I was really skeptical.  My body is stuck, nobody believes me when I say I can't lose weight.  Doctors look at me skeptically and say it is all about, "calories in and calories out."  I feel judgement and I hear them all saying, "stop eating, clearly you are eating too much, stop lying to yourself."

The Three Week Experiment was my way of putting this to the test.  It was a no lose situation (pun not intended).  Either I would finally get the hang of eating properly and lose weight, or I would have proof that even if I followed a completely designed meal plan I still wouldn't lose the weight.

I spent a weekend running around from store to store gathering all the specialty items (PB2) and new foods (kale) that I was going to be experiencing for the first week.  I was prepared and I was motivated.  On Monday I stepped up on the scale and got out my measuring tape.  I know, I know, sometimes the scale doesn't move but you get smaller.  Yada, yada.  I was going to gather as much data as possible.

The first few days were rough.  They were terrible, terrible ordeals.  I was so hung up on being perfect on the plan that I completely obsessed about food.  I was anxious about when to eat, that I was eating too much, that I was eating too often, that I wasn't eating often enough.  I was still motivated but frustrated as well.  Clearly, I had been eating too much all along.  After the first day I did a quick calculation of my total calorie intake and it was only 1200 calories.  Too low.  I was being too stingy with the food because I was so worried about going overboard.  I modified for the rest of the week and made sure that I was eating plenty of veggies and protein to stay full.  I have to tell you, the first two Friday's on the plan were unbelievably hard.  I think it was all in my head but I had  decided that I deserved to treat myself on Fridays. I was angry that I wasn't able to eat.  I was a bitter, mean person.  So, I ate.  The first Friday I splurged on thin crust veggie pizza with pineapple.  I was satisfied.

I did notice changes almost immediately.  My weight dropped as it always does when I go on a restricted eating plan.  Four pounds fell off in the first few days.  I was also feeling good.  My sleep was great.  My workouts were awesome.  I was fueling during my workout with carbs because I knew that I wasn't eating enough.  It was amazing to me that even with new foods I was able to easily complete my runs.  The plan got easier with each break through.

By the middle of week 3, the plan was routine.  I knew what I was going to eat and somehow managed to like Muscle Milk.  My body felt great and workouts were still going well.  I also noticed that my usual aches and pains had diminished.  The pain that has plagued my left hip and ankle have become very minimal to non-existent issues.  Maybe finally following a true anti-inflammatory diet has made the difference.  I started to look back at the types of foods I was eating and determined that I had pretty much eliminated wheat and dairy was minimal and only in the form of Greek yogurt and a stick or two of string cheese.  How did I manage to survive without my daily doses of cheese?

In being completely honest, my weekends were not perfect.  I ate out at least once a week.  I tried to keep my portions realistic and I think I succeeded.  I also managed to have a couple of margaritas during the weekend.  I love margaritas.

By the end of the three weeks I saw changes.  However the food was no longer challenging.  I didn't feel like I was eating that much less than I had been all along.  Yes, I have stopped my daily Starbucks trips and my sweets have been few and far between but it hasn't been a complete lifestyle make over.  I understand the plan.  I see the value of high quality protein and carbs at each meal.  I am grateful to have broken my sugar addiction.  I am fairly certain it was sugar withdrawal rather than calorie restriction that made those first few days hell.

So, the final data for the experiment looks pretty good.  I lost 6 lbs and 6.25 inches in three weeks.

You'd think that would have me jumping for joy.  I am very happy that I feel better but I am not impressed with the weight loss.

I am still stuck with the same struggle I've faced for the past 5 years.  I start an eating plan (diet, whatever) and I immediately lose water weight (4 lbs) then I might lose 2-3 more pounds and then it stops.  This is where I am right now.  I have continued with the eating plan and I am stuck.  I lose a pound and I gain a pound.  There is not a steady decline and it is infuriating.

I would just be happy at this point if the scale was going the right direction by 1/4 pounds, anything, really, anything would be better than being stagnant.

What now?  I keep chugging away at it, keep training for Tinkerbell in January, and keep trying to motivate others to do awesome things.

“You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, 

you get what you need”  ~The Rolling Stones

Two Years

I first decided I was going to really attempt a triathlon back in May of 2010.  My super supportive husband gave me a membership to Tucson Tri Girls for Mother's Day.  I attended my first meeting and was impressed, inspired, and welcomed.

I completed my first triathlon, the TriTucson Tinfoilman in October 2010.  Yesterday I was supposed to have completed my third Tinfoilmcn but had to drop out.  With my recent injury and general lack of training I just wasn't in a good place to compete.  I have too many goals to risk further injuring my bad toe.

I am not sad that I didn't race.  In the last week or so I've spent some time thinking about how far I've come in the past two years.  Honestly, it feels like much longer.  I sat down and looked through all my race photos and remembered the events, the drama, and the fun surrounding each.

This is going to be a photo-essay blog.  Enjoy!

Tinfoilman, October, 2010

With new friends at Tinfoilman 2010.  Pre-race jitters.

I survived my first ever competitive swim.  This is an important picture for  me.

And I'm finished.  So proud of myself and ready to tri again.

Tri for the Cure, March, 2011

Pre-race photos.  I felt so strong for this race.

Happy to be swimming.  Swimming is my new favorite sport.

Even happier that I bring my own photographer.

First race on my "real" road bike.  Still too afraid to clip in to my pedals after crashing.

Excellent ride and now off to the run.  Told Jamie I had no speed, he told me to find some.  Love him. 

Big sub-1 hour finish.  Goal achieved.  Third in Athena Division.  I run with the big girls.

Gladden Farms Spring Duathlon, April, 2011

There are no pictures from this event.  Thank goodness for no evidence.  Race report is here.

Tucson Triathlon, May, 2011

This race was excellent.  I felt strong and fit.  I dropped 15+ minutes off my last TriTucson race time.

Sharing this because it makes me laugh.  I have a sense of humor. 

New bike on the repeat course.  World of difference and I'm finally clipped in.

My run was improving dramatically.  Still hurts though.

The first time Emma saw a race.

Firecracker Triathlon (Relay), July, 2011

Racing is better with friends.

I raced the bike leg of this triathlon.  Good times.  Did 12 miles in record time.

Summer Aquathlon Series, Summer, 2011

I completed enough of these races to take park in the series championship.  It was a fun course that included a water slide.  

Smile hides the nerves.  I was terrified about the water slide.

Really, this is fun.  Don't I look like I'm having fun?  

Hummingbird Sprint Triathlon (Relay), August, 2011

I did the run leg for this relay.  My run was in such good shape at this point, I ran 3 miles sub-30 minutes.

I had to be fast though, we were chasing down billy goats. 

There is no Tri.  Good friends,and great times.  

Tinfoilman Triathlon, October, 2011

With all honesty, I can say this has been my best race to this point.  I trained consistently and very hard to get into shape.  I was motivated to reach a time goal and I was so prepared.  I dropped at total of 20 minutes off first tri.  This is what success looks like.

One of my favorite pictures because my friend and training buddy is sending me out.  She knew my goals and told me to run like hell.  I did.

Tinker Bell Half Marathon, January, 2012

This was  a super special race.  I love all things Disney and had always wanted to run at Disneyland.  I don't know why I decided this was going to be the time to race.  I just signed up and went for it.  A strange series of events unfolded.  I ran this race with a new, old friend.  My performance was less than memorable but the experience was priceless.

First time running in wings.

Tucson Triathlon, March, 2012

I started this season in a funk.  For whatever reason I just didn't feel like I had much ability to improve.  I was also struggling with my weight and health and energy.  I made the decision to race this year just to participate.  This race kicked off the tri season.

Just racing.

Emma became a Junior Tri Girl for this race.  Silly girl.

This race was fun.  No expectation.  My time was good and I  even looked like was running.

Emma's First Duathlon, April, 2012

Somewhere along the way my little girl decided she wanted to race like her mom.  This makes me so proud.

Making her first transition

The girl loves her bike.

San Diego International Triathlon, June, 2012

This race was kind of a big deal.  It was my first open water swim.  I was terrified of swimming in anything without lane lines.  But, I did it.  I plan to go back and do this race again.  It was such a positive experience for me and the venue is beautiful.

Might have been my best swim ever.  Good bye lane lines.

I'm still impressed my super friends were there to take this picture.

I like this picture.  I wish I weren't sticking my tongue out but I guess that's how I run.

The view on the run course.

Swim Start.

Awesome friends who made the trip to support me.  I am a lucky girl.

Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival, September, 2012

There is no reason to relive this drama.  I am going to add a couple of pictures though.  I might not have felt like I was at my best and maybe it would have been a fun race if I hadn't injured myself right away.  However, this weekend was a great experience for my family and for Emma.  She loved it all.

This is a nightmare picture.  Life sucks sometimes.

Another less than stellar look.  Note to self, "close your mouth."

Picture looks fine.  Just ignore the finish time.  Damn.

Super Girl Emma

Awesome.

I wish I had seen this live.  So proud of her.

And that brings me back to Tinfoilman 2012.  I signed up for this race months ago and had every intention of making it my last race of the year.  It just didn't happen and that's okay.  My foot is not completely healed and I haven't put in the effort over the past couple of months.  I didn't completely miss the race.  I was there to volunteer and support my friends.

I am so lucky that I have been able to do all these things over the past two years.  It feels like so much longer.  Sometimes I feel like I haven't accomplished much.  In looking back I realize that this isn't true.  It is all about perspective.

What's up next?  I've got a full race schedule planned for the upcoming year.   I plan to race and not just participate.  I will be in better shape both physically and mentally.

I plan to own the Olympic distance.  Catch me in San Diego...

                "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream" ~ Les Brown

And Then This Happened.

This past weekend I headed up to Show Low, AZ to take part in the Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival and complete my first Olympic distance triathlon.

And then this happened:

The day started out fairly uneventful.  I was able to get more sleep than I ever have before a big race.  Our cabin was amazing and comfortable and the whole family was content.  I didn’t even have to be in transition before sunrise since the race didn’t start until 8:04 am and there were not too many people in the race.  I got to the site, Fools Hollow Lake, at 6:45 am and found a friend and a nice end spot in the transition area.  I had a few minor emotional freak outs, two fairly unnecessary trips to the pot o potty and then put on my wet suit.  Everything was moving along just fine.  I had plenty of people to talk to and my mind was not fixated on the race.  I felt prepared enough to finish it.

We all wandered down to the water, listened to the National Anthem and got ready to move.  I looked down at my finger and realize that I am still wearing my wedding ring.  I always take it off before I swim just because I am so paranoid that it is going to slip off.  The women in front of me notices that I am spinning it on my finger, in deep thought, and says (I am not making this up), “Oh no” to which I respond “Do you think it will slip off?” and she says, “Your fingers are really going to shrink in this water, I wouldn’t leave it on, I always take mine off.” Shit.  So, the race director says, “30 seconds” and I am about ready to hyperventilate and I take my only chance and hurry over the race director and ask her to hold it.  She knowingly smiled and took it from me.  First dilemma solved.

The race starts and Oh My God.  I have heard about chaotic mass starts but I wasn’t prepared for it.  I was kicked, punched and grabbed and I did the same to at least a few people.  It was insane.  I probably pushed on for about 75 yards before I had to pull up.  My goggles were fogged up and I could not breathe. The elevation and lack of oxygen did me in.  I just couldn’t settle into any sort of rhythm and I felt like I was suffocating.  I looked around in panic and luckily found some friendly faces.  People were actually saying my name and asking if I was okay.  I was back floating, side stroking and breast stroking.  I just couldn’t put my face in the water.  Next lesson was waves.  I took in 2 faces full of water before I figured out what was happening.  I would look around but I was by myself and then I remembered, open water has waves.  Duh.  I kept plodding along watching the field pull farther and farther ahead.  I’m not going to lie, I wanted to quit.  Finally I just decided to try putting my face down and breathing every stroke.  I found a steady pace and finished the stupid swim.  I came up to the boat dock/exit point and stumbled up the ramp.  I stopped to get my ring back from the race director and my equilibrium was so shot I just had to sit.  Spectators were asking me if I was okay and I was okay.  I just needed a moment.  Somewhere in my delirium I managed to stub my toe.  I vaguely remember saying, “Ouch.”  I wandered up to the wet suit stripper and they had me freed in no time and I hobbled toward my transition area.  I needed to go to the bathroom.

I got my biking gear in order and took my bike toward the mount line.  There were port o potties right there so I handed off my bike to a volunteer who looked at me like I was nuts and waddled over to the toilets.  I did not want to spend the next 1.5 hours on the bike needing to “go”.  My bike is too pretty to pee on and I get stage fright.

Finally I was off on the bike.  I felt prepared for the bike.  The bike felt marvelous after the terrible swim.  Self-doubt had set in and I just felt like I was totally out of my league, undertrained and overextended.  Blah.  Back to the task at hand; the bike course was beautiful. I wish I could have enjoyed the scenery more.  There was this one really obnoxious hill at about 3.5 miles that I thought was going to cause my chest to explode but I very slowly powered through and saw that I wasn’t too far off the main group as it was an out and back route.  I passed a couple of people on the back roads portion of the course and was feeling strong and enjoying the views a bit.  Then around mile 8 or so I start to notice a nagging ache in my right big toe.  I felt like I hit it and I had to think back to where that could have happened.  Right, I remembered that something had happened coming out of the water.   Nothing major just a minor annoyance to this point.  I was still pedaling along and started to feel the sensation of something on my toe.  It actually felt like maybe it was bleeding so I kept checking the toe box on my shoe to see if there were any signs of blood.  Nothing.  There just the ache.  I got to the halfway point of the ride and took on the biggest hill of the course.  It was seriously a monster hill but I just kept going.  The only aid station on the bike course was right after the hill and I did as I had planned and stopped to down some peanut butter and water.  I felt a little bit energized when I left that point but it was short lived.  I was tired and just wanted to be done.  I knew there was something wrong with my toe but didn’t give it too much thought.

I came into transition and hopped off my bike.  Then there was pain.  I couldn’t take a step without a shooting pain.  So, the moment of truth was when I took off my cleats and my sock.  I fully expected to find a big bloody toenail but there was nothing.  I put on my running shoes and finished transition and took off running.  I ran past my husband who was waiting on the side of the course with a group of spectators.  I wanted so much to whine to him and tell him I was hurt but I just couldn’t be that person so I trudged ahead.  I only trudged about  ¾ of a mile before I started walking/hobbling.  I did not know what to do. I did not want to quit but it became very clear that I was not going to be able to run.  Every strike of my foot was painful.  I started trying to calculate how fast I could walk 6.2 miles.  On good day I could probably power walk it efficiently.  Today was not that day.  I was barely moving.  Every time I would attempt to jog, I would smack my toe and my stomach would turn.  It was miserable.    I shared my situation with anyone that would listen.  Other racers who saw me walking were very supportive and encouraged me on.  My friends on the course were kind and concerned.  I just wanted to quit.  I kept looking for anyone who looked official or had any mode of transportation to get me back to the finish line.  I just wanted it to be over.  There was no help/way out in sight.  Eventually I figured I could get back on my own two feet faster than I could call for help and get a ride.  I kept walking.  Now, I wasn’t just concerned about being the last racer on the course I was really stressing about the fact that Jamie was waiting up at the finish line expecting me to be back.  I should have just swallowed my pride and told him I was hurt to begin with.  While out on the run course I told one of my friends to find him and let him know that I was not moving very quickly.  I kicked myself for not taking my phone with me.  The rule for this race was no phones or electronic communication devices.  That is all fine and dandy if there is adequate race support.  I really wish I had any way to communicate that I was way long on my finish time.  Jamie was stuck there with two hungry kids not having a clue how long I was going to take.  I was more fixated on this situation that I was on my toe.  My toe just hurt but the anxiety was overwhelming.  I walked and I cried and I walked and then cried again.

There was no way I was going to walk through the finish line.

After a miserable 4 hours and 25 minutes I crossed the finish line.  I officially finished an Olympic distance triathlon but I stunk the whole thing up.  I am not crossing this goal off my list just yet.  I definitely have more work to do.

My toe isn’t broken.  I caused some major bruising and since I can’t feel my entire toe the urgent care doc determined that I also probably caused some nerve damage.  I am out for at least 2 weeks.  While I could always force myself to get out and swim, bike or run, I am grateful for the break.  I am not making progress right now.  I feel like I am working to be fitter, faster, and stronger but not achieving any of it.  I need to re-evaluate and figure out what I am missing.  I know I am not ready to increase my goal distance yet.   I really feel like maybe I need to start back at the beginning.  Getting fairly tired of writing race reports where everything goes wrong.

Up next is my final tri of the year, Tinfoilman on Oct. 14 and then all training will focus on Tinker Bell in January 2013.  It has to get better than this.

"Defeat doesn't finish a man, quit does. A man is not finished when he's defeated. He's finished when he quits."  -Richard M. Nixon

In A Bad Place

The sentiment has been building but today I just woke up in a really bad place.  I feel overwhelmed and moody.  I can't shake it.

I've taken a couple of days off from training to rest and catch up on other stuff that has been simmering in the background.  I needed to organize a bit for a class that I am teaching in the Fall and get materials for a class that I am taking.  I am looking forward to both.

I decided I needed to get out today and planned for a short, easy ride.  I still felt funky.  In fact I knew I was in a really bad place when I seriously thought about how bad I would have to crash on my bike to be out of my next race.  Yep, I am living in that sort of reality.

I don't want to race.
I don't want to train.
I feel like big fat out of shape slug.
I feel like my fitness is not improving.
My times are not improving.
My run has completely deteriorated.
I am not feeling any stronger. I  feel weaker.
I keep gaining weight.

I want to quit it all.
I want to run away with my family and spend a weekend at the beach.
I want to feel rested and peaceful.
I want my clothes to fit.

So, I'm not sure where to go from here.  I have too many commitments in limbo at this point.  Maybe I will feel better once life settles down a bit.

I want to be here.

"Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure."

Thomas A. Edison 

Mental Health

I have been struggling a bit lately.  Physically I am doing pretty well.  My workouts are consistent and I feel stronger.  I am dealing with a new situation and I think it is all in my head.  No, it isn’t imaginary but rather my first realization that I have serious anxiety issues.  

I have only recently come to the realization that I suffer from anxiety.  All my life I have just been a worrier.  I think too much and worry about everything.  By the time my daughter was about two years old we noticed that she could really work herself up into irrational frenzies.  I just never could figure out why she would worry so much about some things.  Fireworks seemed like a reasonable childhood fear but toilets seemed unreasonable.  As a family we dealt with her fits but slowly started to come to the point of calling it anxiety.  She would stress herself out to the point of seeming completely out of control.  It is painful to watch and heartbreaking to see her struggle.  In seeing my daughter with these traits I have come to the point of understanding that, I too, have serious anxiety issues.

I am a closet perfectionist.  If I can’t do something 100% correctly, the way I want to do it, I will give up. My perfectionist nature means that I think and think and over think everything.  Every detail has to be analyzed.  I worry about how everything will appear and I fear that someone will find fault with my work.  It makes me feel like an inadequate fraud most of the time.  I never feel like I know what I am doing because I always feel like something more needs to be done.  Okay, a bit of tangent but it is important to me “discovering” my anxiety.

About 6 months ago or maybe a little more, I started to experience the early hints of panic attacks. While I have always been a worrier, I have never been in sync with my body enough to put physical responses with emotional distress.  I am severely claustrophobic.  One afternoon I was driving on the interstate and found myself sandwiched between semi-trucks and I felt trapped.  My heart started racing and I felt lightheaded and ready to black out.  I couldn’t control my thoughts and my body was reacting in a way that made me panic even more.  I tried to take deep breaths and luckily was able to get back to open road.  I have had some more of these episodes and I will admit that I did have a blackout sensation a couple of times.

So, what does all of this have to do with training and racing?  Oh, where to start. 

One of my goals for this summer was to climb to the top of Mt. Lemmon.  It is an intense climb but should be doable.  The night before my first (and only) attempt I could not fall asleep.  I laid in bed, tossing and turning, my mind racing and my heart racing too.  I was a little freaked out about the intensity of the climb but I figured I could always just turn around if I couldn’t handle it.  I narrowed my anxiety down to the fact that I had to be up really early.  My alarm was set for 3:45 am to give me enough time to get up and eat and take care of normal pre-workout stuff.  So, I laid there and obsessed about each passing half hour, and hour, and so on as my time to sleep dwindled away.  I finally fell asleep for about an hour and then another 15 minutes before I got up and headed out the door.  I was a mess and felt like I raced just to get to the base of the mountain.  The climb was hard but not unbearable.  I was lonely and left to my own anxiety.  I doubted myself the entire time and my body was physically exhausted.  I felt so accomplished when I finished that ride.  It didn’t take very long though before I started feeling anxious about doing it again.  About not sleeping, about getting up too early, about feeling less than able.

I started to do some soul searching.

Where did all of this come from?  Then I realized that it is the exact same pattern that I experienced before my very first triathlon back in 2010.  That situation made sense since I was attempting the unknown and wasn’t exactly in great shape.  Fast forward to my June race in San Diego and again I raced on little sleep because I could not shut my brain down.  I managed that one okay but was still angry with myself for worrying so much.  Now, I can’t remember an event or early morning training session where I did not totally freak out and fail to sleep.  If I have to be up and especially if I am supposed to meet someone or need to be at a race, I will not sleep.  I don’t know how to sleep.  I have come to call it situational insomnia.  It sucks.

My anxiety is taking over my life.

I decided I was done with the Mt. Lemmon climb.  I will do it but on my own time.  Being part of a group just puts too much pressure on me and it isn’t worth it.  I can’t completely avoid early morning group workouts.  Last Friday I had my first computrainer class and I needed to be out the door at 4:45 am and I didn’t sleep the night before.  This was the last straw.  This is a no pressure class that is a great learning experience.  There was no rational reason to be anxious at all.  I will use this class to conquer my morning issue.  I won’t give it up.  I have nothing to lose and eventually my body will adjust.  With this exception, I have made a real effort to avoid early morning group training.  I can’t deal with the pressure of meeting someone.  I worry about being late on top of all the other stuff that races through my mind.

My next race is an out of town event and the whole family is going for a weekend vacation.  I am already worried that I won’t sleep.

My real hope is that now that I have figured out the pattern and source I might be able to be proactive about it. 

In hindsight, I have been dealing with anxiety all my life.  I think back and can see it playing out over and over again.  It makes me sad to think back to all the times I have avoided something new and challenging because of fear and anxiety.  I want to change and I want to be different.  I want to be carefree and less controlling.  It will take practice and time.  I have work to do.

Beautiful view of Saguaro East.  Proud of myself for not talking myself out of this ride.

“The greatest battle is not physical, but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good; they must always be answered by the quiet, the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going.”

-Graeme Fife 

Reboot.

I am in a happy place right now.  At this moment in time, training and life seem to be falling into place.  Why am I so optimistic?  Well, let me see.

• My kids start back to school on Monday.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I am about to get my daily training time back.  Also, life will be more of  a routine and less of a summer free-for-all.
• I have been training as consistently as possible given my time constraints and I feel really strong right now.  My hip is feeling fine and all my other joints have stopped screaming at me.  I could use a serious massage but I am not in pain.  
• I am looking forward to this coming semester without major teaching anxiety.  I think my math class this semester is going to be fun and I am excited about earning a little extra money.   
• Travel plans are set for my next race.  Taking the whole family for a long weekend in mountain cabin actually sounds like fun.  I am excited that there are plenty of friends racing with me so I won’t be the only one stressing.  See San Diego race report.
• I am signed up and am excited about a Sports Nutrition course.  This just feels like the start of something.  Up to this point I have been plagued by self-doubt about pursuing my interest in the fitness arena.  Feelings of inadequacy have pretty much subsided and I just feel like I might as well check it out and see what happens.  It is the same way I felt before finally joining the Tri Girls.  That has worked out for the best. 
• I have found a moment of peace with my body and body image.  I am not where I necessarily want to be weight wise but my body is working for me.  I am tired of stressing about food.  I have a new goal that doesn’t include dieting.  I hate dieting and waiting on the scale to move.  I actually haven’t been on the scale in a few weeks.  It isn’t worth it to me right now.  I am more concerned with being race-ready on Sept. 8th.  That is priority #1.  I will, however, need to incorporate some solid nutrition to get me to that point.   Nutrition is not dieting.

I truly feel like I’ve had a perspective change.  Life looks different.  Maybe it is a confidence boost that I earned from my better than expected experience in San Diego.  Maybe my mental health is just in a better place.  Maybe I’ve decided to focus on new goals.  Whatever it is, I am going to enjoy it.
So, what is the action plan from this point forward?

First, I will be training like I have never trained before to be ready for my Olympic distance debut on September 8.  I will be consistent and purposeful.  I have the luxury of time and enough knowledge to make this race a positive experience.  My race goal is simple.  I want to finish strong.  I don’t care about time, I don’t care about placement, and I just want to enjoy the experience.  I don’t know, yet, how my body is going to respond to 3 or so hours of racing.

Second, I will relearn how to enjoy food.  While I will not diet, I am going to be making a conscious effort to limit my sugar intake.  Sugar is not my friend.  Sugar acts like my friend but then just abuses me and leaves me feeling icky.  I refuse to deny myself but I also want to make sure that I am not eating impulsively.  It is a goal.  It will take work.  I also want to learn how to cook real food.  It seems like every time I get on a “learn to cook” mission it is so I can make diet food.  The food generally sucks and I never make it again.  This time I want to make food that is not processed garbage but rather filling nutrient-dense foods that leave me satisfied.  Two meals a week seem reasonable.  I can build from that point.

Third, I need a real schedule.  The benefit of not having full time job outside of my home is that I can do whatever I want whenever I want.  The reality is that I rarely get anything done.  It is too easy to just push things off.  So, I am going to try to set up a weekly family schedule that includes everything that needs to get done each week.  I also really need to get my entire family on a schedule so that each day is more routine and less chaotic.  Sometimes I think I make my life harder than it needs to be by being the only person in the family with a clear idea of what has to happen each day.  I need to remember that everyone else isn’t on the same page and they can’t read my mind.  This will also help to ensure that my training time isn’t spent taking care of miscellaneous stuff that just builds up and I will have time set aside for cooking.

Finally, I am gearing up to complete a fairly extensive list of races for the Fall and Winter.  My tentative race schedule is as follows;

• Deuces Wild Olympic Triathlon Sept. 8
• Thin Mint Sprint 5k Sept. 29
• Tinfoilman Sprint Triathlon Oct. 14
• “Wine Run” 5k Oct. 20
• Women’s Half Marathon Nov. 4 (this is very tentative, no commitment yet)
• Tinker Bell Half Marathon Jan. 20

And a goal not involving racing, is getting my butt to the top of Mt. Lemmon on my bike.  Hopefully, it will only take me six weeks of working at it to pull that one off.

There is a lot going on right now and I’m excited to get going.

I've decided that this isn't such a bad picture after all.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau

Weekend Adventure; San Diego International Triathlon

This past weekend I participated in the San Diego International Triathlon.  It was a weekend road trip with good friends.

The week leading up to the trip was full of drama.  We were planning to take my van but I noticed it was leaking something on Monday afternoon.  I took the van in to be checked out on Tuesday and on Wednesday morning got the word from the dealership that the car was not safe to drive.  I decided to rent a car for the week.  The van was going to be a big enough headache and I wasn't interested in dragging my kids with me to drop my husband off and pick him up from work.  Thursday was my baby boy's 5th birthday so I was running around like crazy trying to get a party together.  I was very distracted and not really stressing out about the trip and race.  I would have preferred no car drama but it is what it is.

On Friday I finally started to get into the traveling groove.  I managed to get all my gear packed and then I got my bike secured and finally got my suitcase put together.  I had very little confidence in my bike rack.  It just didn't seem like it was built to carry a bike for 6+ hours at 80+mph.  Call me paranoid.

Oh, but before I could had it all assembled and loaded I had to deal with a my never flat tire going flat and a big chain mess.  So, 30 minutes before the pretty picture up top was taken my bike looked more like this.

Flat tire removed and chain mess.

Luckily I was able to get a decent night of sleep on Friday.  I stayed up too late but I was actually able to fall  asleep and didn't wake up until 4:00 a.m.  Once up I ate some breakfast and loaded up the car and was on my way.

I picked up my friends, Maryann and Jen, at 6:30 a.m. and by 7:00 a.m. we were at our first Starbucks stop and on our way out of town.  

This adventure brought to you by Starbucks.

After much silliness we arrived in San Diego at about 1:30 p.m., checked into the the hotel, got spooked by the mini-bar and headed out to packet pick-up.  The Sheraton we stayed at was very convenient for this race.  The staging area was about a 15 minute walk from the room and the run course actually went right through the hotel parking lot.

The view of the swim course looking toward the hotel.

I picked up my packet and got some information about the transition area and a general lay of the land.  We then headed back to our room to relax for a bit and get ready for dinner.

The view from our second floor balcony.

Once back in the room I remembered that I needed to take a ride out and check out the bike course.  So we packed the course map up and headed out on the road.  What a mistake.  I was stunned/overwhelmed/frozen with fear at the hills on the bike course.  I am used to riding hills but I also like the reward of the downhill following the work from the uphill.  This course felt like it climbed forever.  The problem is that I was just as spooked about going downhill fast as I was about trying to haul my butt up the hills.

I kept it together pretty well during dinner.  On the way back to the hotel Jen suggested that I take the bike out for a quick ride just to make sure that nothing had happened to it during the drive.   I took the bike out for a short ride back toward the race staging area and everything felt fine except that I was starting to get anxious.  I am always a bit anxious before the race and I hadn't been anxious at all up to this point.  It was a rapid downward spiral.  I couldn't focus on anything and felt like everything was a blur.  I also hadn't had much of an appetite and I could tell the girls were worried that I hadn't taken in enough to get through the race.  We were driving around at 9:00 p.m. looking for food.  I pretty much knew by that point that I was not going to sleep.

In this case the monsters were anything race related.  I went into this race so easy-going.  No time expectations, I just wanted to experience it all.  Then I saw the bike course and decided I was going to somehow manage to die.  I hate anxiety.  So, around 1:00 a.m. I decided that it didn't matter what time I got to transition to set my place up, my spot was reserved and I just didn't care.  Also, I decided I was never racing again.  I hate the angst and the physical torment from the anxiety.  At that point it just wasn't worth it to me.  Finally, I fell asleep.

I was up at 4:00 a.m. but moving very slowly.  There was no rush as I did all the normal pre-race stuff.  I was fed and out the door at 5:45 a.m.  The first hitch was that the gate out of the hotel parking lot and into the park was locked.  I had to detour through the same dirt lot all the other athletes had to use.  Not a big deal but it did slow me down a bit.  Once I made it to the chaos of the race I just went into race mode.  I stopped for body marking and then went to find my transition spot.  I paid a premium for the race to have VIP status in case I didn't make it to packet pick-up on time but this meant that I had a space reserved in transition area.  This was awesome!

It was 6:15 by the time I made it to my transition spot so I didn't have much time to fuss with my gear. Everything was set up but I had the nagging feeling that I was forgetting something.  I asked the nice ladies around me about when to put on wet suits.  They were very helpful and my nerves were at bay.  I gathered up my swim gear and headed over to the potties.

Luckily, I found a relatively quiet spot to wait for my swim wave.  There was about 1.25 hours between the close of the transition area and the start of my wave.  I chatted with some very friendly and supportive new friends.  I was calm and it was nice.

I was super excited to see Jen and Maryann heading toward the starting area.  I felt a little lonely and wanted to know where they were going to be.  Once I checked in with them and got some help closing up my wet suit, I waded out into the water.

Getting excited about being in the water.

There was plenty of chatting and goofing around in the water waiting for the start.  We got some last minute directions from the guy on the boat.  Then very suddenly the gun went off.  I had tried to position myself as to not get run over or stuck behind slower swimmer.  I did pretty well.  I held back and tried to pace myself for about the first 100m.  The swim was amazing and awesome and thrilling.  I felt powerful and strong and I just kept going faster and faster.  I loved every minute of it.  I loved passing and finding my way through the pack.  Loved it!

Finished with the swim and feeling pretty darn good.

I worked my way out of my wet suit and went through my T1 mental checklist.  I was so happy to be on the end of the rack and so close to the bike out.  I had no idea my Super Friends were waiting for me at the bike mount but I heard my name and cheering and it was a really good feeling.

Okay, so after all my stress and anxiety the bike was very fun.  It was hard but I know how to ride hills. It was not scary and I never felt out of control.  I chatted with a few other racers and thanked as many volunteers as I could.  The hills were rewarding and the view and moment of peace at the top turn around point amazing.  I hope I never forget that sense of calm as rolled through the turn around.

There was one major climb on the way back to transition and then it was a screaming downhill.  I yelled, "weeeeeeeee" at one point and it was joy.  I was almost done and it was fun.  I spun my legs out at I approached T2 trying to get them loose.  It worked.

I took off on the run and was determined to just get through it.  My last few running races have been miserable and I just wanted to soak in the beautiful course.  I mean, who knows if I am ever going to get back to this place to do this sort of thing.  I tried to hold a steady pace but was not concerned with speed or time.  I slowed at the water stations and I actually enjoyed the run.  At one point I looked up and this was the view:

 

I was happy when I finished the race.  I had accomplished some pretty amazing things.  I still haven't quite wrapped my brain around the ease and thrill of open water swimming.  Four months ago I couldn't even imagine getting in the water.  I was also impressed with my ability to climb on the bike.  It hurt and I was sucking wind but it was doable.  Finally, I was glad that I was able to take a step back from the competition and just enjoy the run.  

The rest of the weekend is a blur but it was fun.  We enjoyed some beach time as both Maryann and Jen took on ocean open water swimming.  I sat on the beach and rested in the relative quiet.

Taking on the waves at La Jolla Shores.

Then there was this adventure in checking into and then out of and then into our hotel for the second night.  The first place we check in to had a great location and beautiful view but the room was infested with flies and the hotel was in no hurry to find us a new room.  We were in a hurry to get the heck out of there.  We found a nice place to stay in Hotel Circle.  It was generic but comfortable and the restaurant made a mean margarita.  

Post race refueling.

 Sunday night I slept very well.  We were up early to get on the road before rush hour.  I was sore and just ready to be home.  The drive between San Diego and Yuma was uneventful.  Then at the Yuma Border Patrol Checkpoint this happened.

Flat Tire

The tire on the rental car went flat at the most perfect place.  I would have rather not had to deal with a flat at all but had this happened just a minutes later we would have been in the middle of the hot desert.  I'm sure Maryann could have changed the tire but we still would have had to drive back to Yuma to trade out the car.   It was a surprising end to an eventful weekend.

When all is said and done, I had a great weekend.  Traveling with friends was fun and refreshing and the race was memorable and rewarding.  I wish I hadn't had my freak out and mental breakdown.  Sometimes I just can't keep fear and self doubt at bay.  It is a goal to work toward.

Next up is the Deuces Olympic Distance Triathlon in September.  Of course I am going to race again :)