Keep Moving Forward

This past Saturday I went out for my first long ride in about 2 weeks.  Over the Cinco de Mayo run weekend I bought some new bike shoes and clips.  I discovered that I was missing a few screws on my old clips and had to upgrade. Anyway, I had these new shoes to try out and clips to give me some anxiety but I just could not find the time to get out on my bike.  Every time I could have gone out the wind was howling.  We seriously had, what seems like a full week, of dangerously high winds.

I was going to the gym and doing some indoor cycling but it just isn't the same.  Finally, around 7:30 on Saturday morning I was out the door and on the road.  I was hoping for 30 miles without crashing in my new shoes and clips.  My route was 14+ miles out and back.  The 14 out felt pretty darn good.  I had my moments of doubt right around the hill at Jeremy Wash when I was convinced I was going to fall over from moving so slowly up the hill but I managed to stay upright.

At the turn around I refueled a bit and headed back.  I should note here that the 14+ out is mostly downhill.  The challenge is generally the 14+ of slow gradual climbing to get home.  I was moving like I was riding through mud.  It didn't take me more than 2 miles to start hating life and putting myself down.  I was ticked that I hadn't ridden more seriously over the past few weeks.  I was angry that I seemed to have lost speed.  Why couldn't I just get it together?  Why I had let any training opportunities pass by?  Why was everyone passing me while I dragged my butt over the downhills?  (slight exaggeration)

And then I stopped.

No, I didn't stop riding.  I can force my brain to ignore my body so that physically stopping is just not an option.  I stopped mentally beating myself up.

I've been following this really awesome blog by Swim Bike Mom and one of her mottos is Keep Moving Forward.  It is catchy and makes sense in the realm of endurance stuff.  Keep moving, blah, blah, blah.  But on my Saturday ride I finally got it.  It made sense for me and my endurance/life situation.

What Keep Moving Forward suddenly meant for me.

Seriously, why do I spend so much time worrying about what did or didn't happen?  I am such a control freak and clearly I can't control the past.  I can't control what I did yesterday or 10 years ago.  I only have right now.  I can only try to make the best choice from this point forward.

How amazing it must feel to be able to let go of regret and realize that regret is just another excuse.  Truth be told, I can only impact what I doing at the present moment.  

I can learn from the past but I can't change it.  I can't redo that past few weeks of training and add more riding that might have made the ride home easier or faster or prettier. 

I can't take back any choices I made.  They must have seemed like reasonable choices at the time.  I am not a flake.  I know my limits and I need to realize that sometimes life is out of my control.  

Then I started thinking about how this realization applies to so much more than my training.  My weight obsession is more about regret and beating myself up than it is about the choices I am making at this point in my life.  Yes, I have years of bad habits behind me but I am making real healthy choices for myself right now.  I slip up on occasion but overall I am in a much healthier place.

I could go on and on.

I must have spent a good 4 miles putting this all together in my brain.  Once the moment of clarity hit and I stopped beating myself up and the rest of the ride was AWESOME.

I am so grateful for what I have right now.  I am going to be more forgiving.  I am going to stop dwelling on the past.  

I am going to Keep Moving Forward.

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on. 

- Forrest Gump 

A Letter to My Scale

Dear Scale,

I hate you.  My mother always told me not to use the word hate because it is too strong a word.  In this case, hate is the most appropriate word.

I hate the power you have over me.  You can turn a perfectly good day into a miserable test of existence.  I can step on you with confidence only to be shot down by the number that appears.  My mood turns from happy to frustrated, depressed, angry and defeated.  My family suffers because of you.

I hate that you pass judgement on me.  You don't know me.  You don't know how hard I work and struggle to make healthy choices.  You don't know that I am out sweating my ass off just to please you.  Yet the judgement is real and it stings.  Sometimes you give me the news I want but those moments are fleeting.  I hate that even when I do see what I want I only use it as an excuse to make terrible choices and "hope" for the best.

I hate that your judgement is my obsession and has been for as long as I can remember.  From the first embarrassing moment when I stepped on the scale in 3rd grade to see the number 108 and the shame it left me, to the first (and every) time my success was measured at a Weight Watchers meeting, I have hated you.  No child should give you so much thought.

To put it simply, you don't know what I'm made of.  You are simple-minded and short-sighted.  I am strong and I am healthy.  I can push myself to places you can't imagine.

I've come to the conclusion that you are useless and a waste of my time.  I've decided that your information is irrelevant and you can't begin to define me.  I am more (or less) than you tell me I am.

I've decided that I am going to hate you because I am tired of hating myself.

Regards,
Stacie

Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”
― C. JoyBell C.

El Cinco de Sucko 10k

Today I ran in the local Cinco de Mayo 10k.  I ran this race last year for the first time and many years ago I did the accompanying 2 mile fun run.

I was a beautiful morning for a race.  I managed to eat well yesterday and I was plenty hydrated.  Also, I got myself to bed by 9:30 pm. I woke up well rested at 4:25 a.m. but laid in bed until 5:00 a.m.  Then I did my normal pre-race routine and got out the door by 5:50 a.m.  I felt pretty good and managed to find a parking spot.  I was wearing my TTG purple shirt, a skirt, purple compression socks (to fight off a slight knot in my right calf) and my super fancy *insert eye roll* purple and black shoes.  More about the shoes in another post.   I got out of the car and realized I probably looked pretty ridiculous.  First order of business:  Port o Potty.

Heading for the starting line, I mean Port o Potty.

The morning weather really was gorgeous and watching the sun rise over the city was a pleasant sight to see.  I hung out in the registration area for a bit.  I went to this race alone so I just sort of wandered aimlessly.

Margarita socks seemed right for the occasion.

I snapped a picture of my nifty socks and obnoxious shoes.  Given the Cinco de Mayo theme for the day, I thought the socks were an excellent choice.

I finally wandered over to the starting area.  There I suddenly found myself surrounded by fellow Tri Girls.  They must have been attracted to all the purple.  I chatted for a bit.  Okay, I attempted to chat. It is difficult sometimes to overcome my social awkwardness.  I set up my music and just waited for the gun to go off.

I hadn't run more than a quarter mile into the uphill course before I realized I should have made one more stop at the potty.  I told myself it was just nerves and that I was only running for about an hour.  I could hold it.  I tried to go out with a controlled pace.  The ache in my right calf was noticeable but not hindering and I had no pain from my bad left hip.  The first mile was a piece of cake.  The second mile was a challenge and I fought to keep my heart rate under control.  I was flying downhill on the third mile and felt okay at the turn around.  I was very, very happy with my 5k time.  I have not run much since my labral tear diagnosis and all my runs have been slow.

There was this hill during mile 3.  It was a terrible, awful, mean hill.  It made me walk.  I only meant to walk long enough to catch my breath, work out a side stitch and hydrate.  As soon as I slowed my pace my right calf and hamstring seized up.  Blah.  I hobbled through a miserable mile +.  I ran and then I walked and repeated this for what seemed like for-ev-er.  Finally I reached the Mile 5 marker and I knew that they advertised a 2 mile downhill to the finish.  I mustered what I could and ignored my leg and I ran.  And then I walked.  

I convinced myself to stop walking altogether when I looked down at my watch and realized that even with my craptastic run to this point I could actually PR this race.  So I ran.  But the finish line was just too far away.  I did beat my best time and can technically call it a PR.  I bested my time by a whopped 23 seconds. 

I crossed the finish line and walked in my delirious state right over to the free massage area.  There I chatted with a fellow Tri Girl while waiting in a slow line.  I got my quick massage and did get some relief in my leg.  My last order of business before heading home was to get my free burrito.  Imagine my disappointment when the burritos were gone before I got there.  Booo.

My run is in a desperate place right now.  I am tired of having these failed race attempts.  I clearly need to train more consistently and get my mind cleared to just enjoy the running.  I think that besides the physical frustration of this race, I struggled to keep my negative thoughts at bay.  I need to have a successful, fun, and uneventful race to turn my thinking around.  Next on my calendar is the Meet Me Downtown 5k on June 2nd.  Given my excellent 5k times while running the half marathon at Tinker Bell and now at this 10k, I hope that this next race is a piece of cake confidence builder.

Believe in yourself. Have faith in your abilities. Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. – Norman Vincent Peale

A Ride With a View

I have been able to train consistently (finally) this week and my body is complaining about it loud and clear.  Today I planned to ride in the morning and then do a track workout in the evening.  My sore glutes, abs, quads and shoulders were letting me know that any excuse to skip the ride was completely reasonable.  So, while killing time on Facebook thinking of a reason not to ride I came across this link to a photo-essay about riding in the desert while it is in bloom.  The desert really is beautiful this time of year.  Soon it will too hot to enjoy it and during the winter it is just too brown.  I found my motivation to ride.  I would create my own photo-essay documenting my ride.  I set a couple of guidelines to keep myself focused.  First, I could only take pictures of sites from the road, I would not wander into the wildlife for a close up.  This was for my sanity so I wasn't pressured to get the perfect shot and for my safety.  I did not want to try to jump away from rattlesnakes in my cleats or risk a flat tire from whatever sharp object I might find around the cactus.  Second, I could not deviate from my normal route to get the perfect desert shot.  I could only photograph my typical route.  And I was off!

I had my margarita socks on.  A ride has to be awesome if it is done with the addition of margarita socks.

Line of Ocotillo

The first thing I rode past and had to turn around to get a good picture of was this line of ocotillo.  They are in what I will a call a minor bloom.  They are green and have some red flowers but they are not nearly as full and lush as they can be.

Next up was this example of a Palo Verde in bloom.  They don't look like this for very long but they are stunning when they are all yellow.  IF I could have broken my self imposed rules I would have ridden to a place where they look like a yellow forest.  The blooms are beautiful but so hard on the nose.

Then I saw this guy.  There is nothing but desert between this ocotillo and the Rincon Mountains in the background.  I have tried many times to capture the awe of those mountains.  Pictures do not do it justice.

Then, of course, there is the quintessential desert picture.  There are mountains, a lone saguaro, and some token clouds.  This is the first time that I noticed that this area of desert does not have very many saguaros.  Interesting.

More mountains, more Palo Verde, and even some prickly pear and creosote.  This is a better picture of the mountain, I think.

This is where I was headed.  It is a consistent uphill climb.  It was great being distracted, for once, by my surroundings and not focusing so intently on my legs.  I really enjoyed this ride.  All the stopping and starting meant that the effort wasn't too overwhelming.

Here is the view from the top of Pistol Hill.  This is a terrible picture of the view.  From this spot you can see clear across Tucson.  On the far left are the Tucson Mountains, the range in the middle of the picture are the Catalina Mountains and Rincons come in from the right.  It also does not give any perspective on the rolling hills.  Oh well.

I was almost home when I came across this little prickly pear forest.  The flowers are pretty.  I never realized how thick this area is with prickly pear.  Interesting.

This is just a close up of another prickly pear.  It was much closer to the road so I didn't have to break any rules to get a decent picture.

I really, really enjoyed this ride.  It was refreshing to just ride my bike and stop whenever and not be worried about pace or speed or heart rate.  I will definitely do this again.  Next time I'll bring my real camera.

"Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."  ~Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne