I Have This Crazy Dream

My dream is to open this company one day.  I want to, somehow, make a living out of doing what I love.  Right now I love training and physical activity and the lifestyle that it creates.  I wish I had the expertise to help other people find the motivation to get out there and face their fears and anxieties and self-imposed limitations.

I have a lot of work to do to make this happen.  I have a solid background in biology.  My B.S. is a double major in General Biology and Molecular & Cellular Biology.  I can figure out how the body works from the very micro standpoint.  I also know how to teach.  I am a certified high school biology teacher with a M.Ed. I can handle the teaching part and could quickly learn the biomechanical stuff involved.  My greatest weakness is lack of experience.

What would the company do?  I don't see it as a storefront business.  Maybe in the long run it could become that but it isn't what I envision.  I see myself (and a partner) offering personal training services, nutrition advice, and organizing group workouts to help people meet their individual goals.  These goals could be anything from running a 5k up to the sky is the limit.  This is where the lack of experience plagues me.  I have plenty of personal growth to do before I feel capable of guiding anyone else.

I think I would like to take a sports nutrition course to get some solid knowledge under my belt.  I can see myself working more on that end of the business in helping people to learn how to eat.  Okay, this is somewhat funny to type just because of my personal struggles.  Classic "do as I say, not as I do."  I also need to keep training and experiences endurance activities.  I am doing this.  I am scheduled to complete more sprint tris and my first olympic distance tri by beginning of Fall.  I am also hoping to do a couple of half marathons over the winter.  If I am able, I would also like to take a stab at El Tour de Tucson, although the distance it TBD.

I just want to find a way to make a living doing what I love.  I dread the idea of going back into the classroom full time.  I actually makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I am envious of people who are excited about working.

In other news,  I am sick again.  I can't catch a break.  This time it is a stomach bug.  The last 24 hours have been miserable.  Hopefully, I will be up and at'm again tomorrow.  I have big plans.

“Goals that are not written down are just wishes.” unknown

It's the Food, Stupid.

I am currently in the midst of an eating problem.  I can't seem to stop myself.  I came down with a respiratory virus a couple of weeks ago and my diet/eating habits have been downhill ever since.

My new training plan started out awesome and then on day three I couldn't even imagine working out.  My throat was killing me and the congestion and general yuckiness had set in.  That all happened on a Wednesday. On Saturday I attempted to spin for an hour and then run for 30 minutes.  The spin started out badly but endorphins soon took over and the run was great.  I paid the price on Sunday and I felt terrible.  Basically it took me another full week to get back to normal and I am still dealing with some congestion and lack of endurance.  It is always the unplanned stuff that derails our best efforts.  Feeling yucky meant that food became a comfort.  I ate too much.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to reign in my eating.  I am consistently eating way to too much and not picking fruits and veggies to fill me.  I made the mistake of buying tequila and margarita mix.  Apparently, margaritas are my new downfall.  I can't change the past.  I will just have to try to make better choices tomorrow.

I was so proud of myself for taking the focus off of training and onto eating healthier.  I was doing great.  Now, I seem to have fallen back to the trap of fueling my workouts and in turn overeating.  Problem noted:  time to move on.

Only two months until my San Diego trip. I am excited and not the least bit nervous at this point.  Luckily, the sprint distance isn't an overwhelming challenge.  We'll see how a feel about wading out into the ocean as the time approaches.  For now I am focusing on the fun of traveling for a weekend and getting to see and participate in a bigger race.

This is a short post but I am hoping it will help me to focus.  I need to remember food is for nutrition and adequate energy not to feed my boredom, or my training.

"If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results." Jack Dixon

Now This is Serious

I have been training for triathlons and road races for about 2 years now.  Up to this point I have just set out to get a couple swims, bikes and runs in every week.  Occasionally I make to a track workout and up until January I was involved in a weekly coached swim group.  I made progress quickly and dropped time from my first to second races.  This past winter I focused on running to get ready for the Tinkerbell Half Marathon.  For that training, I had a program that I followed.  I have followed training programs for running races before but I have yet to try one for triathlons.  My aversion was based on the notion it is challenging for me to stick to set schedules and, honestly, the programs I looked at seemed either too intense or way to too easy.

I knew that for my upcoming San Diego International Triathlon I wanted to train for the Olympic distance even though I am only signed up for the sprint.  My thought being that I can already handle the sprint distance and training longer will insure an easier race and I will be better prepared for my Olympic debut in September at Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival.  I found a 16 week program through Amateur Endurance and it is one of those that just seemed too easy.  I wise friend pointed out that shorter workouts would give me the chance to work on quality over quantity.  I thought it would be nice to have a set goal for each day so that I actually had plans and might feel more accomplished.

On Monday I started the plan.  It called for a 45 minute swim.  I used the Swim Workouts for Triathletes book and picked the Endurance Speed 1 workout.  It was a challenge.  It took me just over an hour and I still didn't finish.  My arms were sore and I felt like I had worked.  Yesterday I was supposed to spin for and hour and then do a 20 minute run.  I debated for too long between setting up my trainer and following the plan or just going to for 60 minute ride outside.  Finally decided to stay indoors and work on heart rate training.  Surprise, surprise, the work out was really hard and I could not get my heart rate to stay in the right zones.  I have serious work to do.  The run after was painful because I pushed so hard on the bike.  At the end of my 20 minute run while I was flying high on endorphins I came to some conclusions.  This training program might actually make a difference.  I have not been focused and pushing myself. I have just been going through the motions.

Today was supposed to be 60 minutes of core work and I had resolved to go to a Pilates class.  Unfortunately, I came down with a  painful sore throat last night and woke up in pain and all stuffed up.  I figure it is better to lose one day than to delay the problem.  Today I will rest.  I will rest and not feel bad about it.

“The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.” ― Thomas A. Edison

Rear View Mirror

This is a picture taken yesterday at a really fun training event.  This picture makes me sad.  I thought I had gotten myself to a better place.  I thought I was looking more physically fit.  It is times like this when the reality of a subjective mirror puts things into perspective.

I am just not happy that I look like that.  I think of how much better can I feel emotionally and physically if I could just get my act together.  If I could train more seriously and eat more sensibly.  It is my issue.

I haven't helped matters much this holiday weekend.  Between eating out and stuffing my face with family (at least two too many glasses of margarita) I have set my self up  to need to work even harder.

I need to change up my workouts and focus a more on strength training and flexibility.  Maybe that type of work and getting back on track with food will be a winning combination to drop a few more pounds.

The irony of this picture is that Jen, my friend in the picture, had just told me how great I looked.  Why don't I  see it??

“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” ― Eliza Tabor Stephenson

Springing Back!

My last post was so depressing.  I seriously think I had just experienced one of the worst few days of my emotional life.  Sure, nobody died but I felt terrible.  Between feeling like my body was out of control and I had a disastrous teaching episode I didn't know what to do.

Something clicked.

I registered for Weight Watchers eTools and started tracking (honestly) all my food and activity.  I lost 5 lbs in a week.  Then my weight loss leveled off but it did not go back up.  Also, I was feeling better, not as weighed down and out of control.  I had been experiencing these brief blackout episodes when I would get too hungry or tired and those have gone away.  I am willing to believe that most of my drama is still thyroid related but for right now I feel good.

In addition to the diet changes I also made some big decisions about my racing.  I had to step away from my own competitive, self-loathing nature and decide that I was not going to train quite as intensely as I had been trying to do.  Truth be told, I might have been trying but I was not achieving my training goals.  I was floundering after Tinkerbell and hating how my body was performing.  I decided that this year, as I focus on my weight goals, I was going to participate in as many races as I want but I wasn't going into them with my competitive head all messed up.

My first triathlon of the season was on March 25.  It was the Tucson Triathlon.  I was relaxed and very level-headed going into the event.  My swim times have been stagnant all winter, my run had improved thanks to Tinkerbell, but my bike was not great.  Whatever!!  I had a blast hanging out with friends on race morning, I only got nervous in the few minutes on the pool deck before hitting the water, and I loved every minute of the race.  Okay, I didn't love the swim.  I kind of felt like I was gasping and moving slow in the water.  My T1 was way too long because I was looking for a friend.  The first 2 laps of the bike were work but I knew that I would be hurting on the bike.  Then about a 1/4 of the way in to the third lap I had this emotional epiphany.  All my depression and self-doubt came to a tearful head.  I was so proud of myself.  I love the me I have become through training, becoming part of the triathlon/multisport community, and I've made some really special friends.  I have never been one to push myself beyond my comfort zone or challenge who I am.  I felt powerful and strong.  I cried out of joy.  And then I got this superhero burst of adrenaline and I blew through that last lap and posted my fastest (I think) bike split.  The run was fine.  For the first 1.5 miles I was just trying to get my legs moving but then they loosened up and I turned on my version of speed.  I finished the run just under 30 minutes.  Goals achieved.

Happiness on the Bike!

Look! Both feet are off the ground.  I was running!

In the midst of my depressive funk back in February I registered for the San Diego International Triathlon on June 24.  This was  total whim as I could barely afford the race fees, had no concept how to get there or where to stay, and oh, right, it requires swimming in the ocean.  I have lived in the desert my entire life and spent very little time around any amount of open water.  I am in awe and scared of the magnitude of the ocean and my lake trips leave me with visions of dirty water and fish.  I won a wet suit last summer so I had no excuse, beside of paralyzing fear of open water, not to jump into this event.  My husband was more supportive than I had anticipated seeing as how this race would cost money.

Biggest triathlon event so far.

Now, to conquer open water.  There are a group of Tucson Tri Girls going to San Diego and they also organized a training swim at Patagonia Lake this past weekend.  It was the most supportive atmosphere.  I actually got up at 5:30 am and managed to get down to the lake (1.25 hours drive) without much anxiety.  I was excited about trying out my wet suit.  Then I got out of the car.  My legs felt weak and I nearly cried.  I could not believe that I was about to willingly get into that cold dirty water teeming with fish and plants and brain eating parasites.  Luckily the drama of getting into the wet suit acted as a distraction.  I felt strong and mostly at ease once the suit was on.

This picture makes me happy.  I love my Black Pearl.

The water was painfully cold and my feet and hands hurt.  The wet suit made me feel light as a feather and cozy.  I didn't have any anxiety attacks or feel like I was suffocating.  The water was cloudy and brown and I could only see about to my fingertips as I swam.  But I swam and it was AWESOME.  I felt at ease and was in no hurry to get out of the water.  I am looking forward to the ocean.

At this point, I have lost 8.5 lbs.  I've been a vegetarian (forgot to mention that) for almost 40 days.  I feel good.  I am happy.

“The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.” ― C. JoyBell C.