I have been struggling a bit lately. Physically I am doing pretty well. My workouts are consistent and I feel
stronger. I am dealing with a new
situation and I think it is all in my head.
No, it isn’t imaginary but rather my first realization that I have
serious anxiety issues.
I have only recently come to the realization that I suffer from anxiety. All my life I have just been a worrier. I think too much and worry about everything. By the time my daughter was about two years
old we noticed that she could really work herself up into irrational
frenzies. I just never could figure out
why she would worry so much about some things.
Fireworks seemed like a reasonable childhood fear but toilets seemed
unreasonable. As a family we dealt with
her fits but slowly started to come to the point of calling it anxiety. She would stress herself out to the point of
seeming completely out of control. It is
painful to watch and heartbreaking to see her struggle. In seeing my daughter with these traits I
have come to the point of understanding that, I too, have serious anxiety
issues.
I am a closet perfectionist. If I can’t
do something 100% correctly, the way I want to do it, I will give up. My perfectionist nature means that I think and think and over think everything. Every detail has to be
analyzed. I worry about how everything
will appear and I fear that someone will find fault with my work. It makes me feel like an inadequate fraud
most of the time. I never feel like I
know what I am doing because I always feel like something more needs to be
done. Okay, a bit of tangent but it is
important to me “discovering” my anxiety.
About 6 months ago or maybe a little more, I started to experience the early
hints of panic attacks. While I have always been a worrier, I have never been
in sync with my body enough to put physical responses with emotional
distress. I am severely
claustrophobic. One afternoon I was
driving on the interstate and found myself sandwiched between semi-trucks and I
felt trapped. My heart started racing
and I felt lightheaded and ready to black out.
I couldn’t control my thoughts and my body was reacting in a way that
made me panic even more. I tried to take
deep breaths and luckily was able to get back to open road. I have had some more of these episodes and I
will admit that I did have a blackout sensation a couple of times.
So, what does all of this have to do with training and racing? Oh, where to start.
One of my goals for this summer was to climb to the top of
Mt. Lemmon. It is an intense climb but
should be doable. The night before my
first (and only) attempt I could not fall asleep. I laid in bed, tossing and turning, my mind
racing and my heart racing too. I was a
little freaked out about the intensity of the climb but I figured I could
always just turn around if I couldn’t handle it. I narrowed my anxiety down to the fact that I
had to be up really early. My alarm was
set for 3:45 am to give me enough time to get up and eat and take care of
normal pre-workout stuff. So, I laid
there and obsessed about each passing half hour, and hour, and so on as my time
to sleep dwindled away. I finally fell
asleep for about an hour and then another 15 minutes before I got up and headed
out the door. I was a mess and felt like
I raced just to get to the base of the mountain. The climb was hard but not unbearable. I was lonely and left to my own anxiety. I doubted myself the entire time and my body
was physically exhausted. I felt so
accomplished when I finished that ride.
It didn’t take very long though before I started feeling anxious about
doing it again. About not sleeping,
about getting up too early, about feeling less than able.
I started to do some soul searching.
Where did all of this come from? Then I realized that it is the exact same
pattern that I experienced before my very first triathlon back in 2010. That situation made sense since I was
attempting the unknown and wasn’t exactly in great shape. Fast forward to my June race in San Diego and
again I raced on little sleep because I could not shut my brain down. I managed that one okay but was still angry
with myself for worrying so much. Now, I
can’t remember an event or early morning training session where I did not
totally freak out and fail to sleep. If
I have to be up and especially if I am supposed to meet someone or need to be
at a race, I will not sleep. I don’t
know how to sleep. I have come to call
it situational insomnia. It sucks.
My anxiety is taking over my life.
I decided I was done with the Mt. Lemmon climb. I will do it but on my own time. Being part of a group just puts too much
pressure on me and it isn’t worth it. I
can’t completely avoid early morning group workouts. Last Friday I had my first computrainer class
and I needed to be out the door at 4:45 am and I didn’t sleep the night
before. This was the last straw. This is a no pressure class that is a great
learning experience. There was no
rational reason to be anxious at all. I
will use this class to conquer my morning issue. I won’t give it up. I have nothing to lose and eventually my body
will adjust. With this exception, I have
made a real effort to avoid early morning group training. I can’t deal with the pressure of meeting
someone. I worry about being late on top
of all the other stuff that races through my mind.
My next race is an out of town event and the whole family is
going for a weekend vacation. I am
already worried that I won’t sleep.
My real hope is that now that I have figured out the pattern
and source I might be able to be proactive about it.
In hindsight, I have been dealing with anxiety all my
life. I think back and can see it
playing out over and over again. It
makes me sad to think back to all the times I have avoided something new and
challenging because of fear and anxiety.
I want to change and I want to be different. I want to be carefree and less
controlling. It will take practice and
time. I have work to do.
 |
| Beautiful view of Saguaro East. Proud of myself for not talking myself out of this ride. |
“The greatest battle is not physical, but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good; they must always be answered by the quiet, the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going.”
-Graeme Fife
