Rock Bottom?

I hope the point that I have reached right now is rock bottom.  I am emotionally, and physically,  a big miserable mess.

I have not been able to shake out of my funk since returning from my Disneyland trip.  At first I thought it was just the aftermath of looking so forward to something and having it be over.  I keep waiting for it to pass, to move on to the next something to dream about.  My mind (and body) just won't snap out of it.

My thyroid is fine.  My blood sugar is fine.  I have no medical reason for my miserable state.  It could be depression.  I have been there, done that.

What is happening with me?  Sorry for the disjointed nature of this post.  My mind is not functioning as I would like.

I saw an orthopedic surgeon this week.  There is definitely something wrong with my hip.  It could be my joint or it could be muscular.  I will need to have medication injected in my hip joint.  If that helps then it is a joint problem and if that doesn't help I am going to do some formal physical therapy.  I wish I would have looked into this sooner.  The pain is constant.

I feel like I am gaining weight like crazy.  Okay, for me any weight gain is in the crazy category.  I don't handle it well emotionally.  I once told my husband that if I ever weighed 200 lbs (while not pregnant) I would likely be suicidal.  There is only truth to that statement.  I hate being fat.  It is embarrassing and mentally (and physically) debilitating to me.  This is my struggle of choice apparently.  There is something that is keeping me from making hard choices and actually doing something about it.  I want to blame everything out of my control (thyroid, blood sugar, hormones) and keep forgetting that I am not doing well with the things that are in my control.

Part of me thinks it is time to switch my focus from training to weight loss.  Up to this point, I have wanted the weight to come off as a result of my training.  Clearly, that logic isn't working.  Losing the weight, I believe, could be as beneficial to my training as all the hours working out.  I don't intend to stop training but I am thinking it is time to go into my training as working toward my weight loss goal.  In short, I will not eat all my burned calories.  I will not justify poor food choices because I "paid" for them in my training.  I want to be one of those athletes who thinks about food as only fuel so I work to maintain the "right" level and not over or under fuel.  This is going to be hard.  My body craves food and it rarely craves healthy food.

Now, I am not sure that the weight is causing my current bout of depression but it isn't helping.  Feeling out of control and useless isn't helping either.  I need new goals and new challenges.

I signed up for the San Diego International Triathlon, Sprint Distance.  The race is in June and it will be my first venture into open water.  My A race for the year is the Deuces Wild Triathlon Festival Olympic distance and that will happen in September. I have these things but they are not all consuming at this point.  Laying on the couch has become my activity of choice.