Springing Back!

My last post was so depressing.  I seriously think I had just experienced one of the worst few days of my emotional life.  Sure, nobody died but I felt terrible.  Between feeling like my body was out of control and I had a disastrous teaching episode I didn't know what to do.

Something clicked.

I registered for Weight Watchers eTools and started tracking (honestly) all my food and activity.  I lost 5 lbs in a week.  Then my weight loss leveled off but it did not go back up.  Also, I was feeling better, not as weighed down and out of control.  I had been experiencing these brief blackout episodes when I would get too hungry or tired and those have gone away.  I am willing to believe that most of my drama is still thyroid related but for right now I feel good.

In addition to the diet changes I also made some big decisions about my racing.  I had to step away from my own competitive, self-loathing nature and decide that I was not going to train quite as intensely as I had been trying to do.  Truth be told, I might have been trying but I was not achieving my training goals.  I was floundering after Tinkerbell and hating how my body was performing.  I decided that this year, as I focus on my weight goals, I was going to participate in as many races as I want but I wasn't going into them with my competitive head all messed up.

My first triathlon of the season was on March 25.  It was the Tucson Triathlon.  I was relaxed and very level-headed going into the event.  My swim times have been stagnant all winter, my run had improved thanks to Tinkerbell, but my bike was not great.  Whatever!!  I had a blast hanging out with friends on race morning, I only got nervous in the few minutes on the pool deck before hitting the water, and I loved every minute of the race.  Okay, I didn't love the swim.  I kind of felt like I was gasping and moving slow in the water.  My T1 was way too long because I was looking for a friend.  The first 2 laps of the bike were work but I knew that I would be hurting on the bike.  Then about a 1/4 of the way in to the third lap I had this emotional epiphany.  All my depression and self-doubt came to a tearful head.  I was so proud of myself.  I love the me I have become through training, becoming part of the triathlon/multisport community, and I've made some really special friends.  I have never been one to push myself beyond my comfort zone or challenge who I am.  I felt powerful and strong.  I cried out of joy.  And then I got this superhero burst of adrenaline and I blew through that last lap and posted my fastest (I think) bike split.  The run was fine.  For the first 1.5 miles I was just trying to get my legs moving but then they loosened up and I turned on my version of speed.  I finished the run just under 30 minutes.  Goals achieved.

Happiness on the Bike!

Look! Both feet are off the ground.  I was running!

In the midst of my depressive funk back in February I registered for the San Diego International Triathlon on June 24.  This was  total whim as I could barely afford the race fees, had no concept how to get there or where to stay, and oh, right, it requires swimming in the ocean.  I have lived in the desert my entire life and spent very little time around any amount of open water.  I am in awe and scared of the magnitude of the ocean and my lake trips leave me with visions of dirty water and fish.  I won a wet suit last summer so I had no excuse, beside of paralyzing fear of open water, not to jump into this event.  My husband was more supportive than I had anticipated seeing as how this race would cost money.

Biggest triathlon event so far.

Now, to conquer open water.  There are a group of Tucson Tri Girls going to San Diego and they also organized a training swim at Patagonia Lake this past weekend.  It was the most supportive atmosphere.  I actually got up at 5:30 am and managed to get down to the lake (1.25 hours drive) without much anxiety.  I was excited about trying out my wet suit.  Then I got out of the car.  My legs felt weak and I nearly cried.  I could not believe that I was about to willingly get into that cold dirty water teeming with fish and plants and brain eating parasites.  Luckily the drama of getting into the wet suit acted as a distraction.  I felt strong and mostly at ease once the suit was on.

This picture makes me happy.  I love my Black Pearl.

The water was painfully cold and my feet and hands hurt.  The wet suit made me feel light as a feather and cozy.  I didn't have any anxiety attacks or feel like I was suffocating.  The water was cloudy and brown and I could only see about to my fingertips as I swam.  But I swam and it was AWESOME.  I felt at ease and was in no hurry to get out of the water.  I am looking forward to the ocean.

At this point, I have lost 8.5 lbs.  I've been a vegetarian (forgot to mention that) for almost 40 days.  I feel good.  I am happy.

“The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.” ― C. JoyBell C.